TEXANA I WANNA

And the cookie crumbles...

2008-11-19T21:25:00.012-05:00

After a fair amount of solo time, some self-awareness/growth type crap, sporadic travel, & a bad date that ended in a brief dalliance with an ex, I am climbing, aggressively, back into the dating saddle. As we all know, JBirdTX is a fair weather lass & with the advent of winter, I find it difficult to get out for more than work, the gym, & walking the dog. Hello internet! Yes, it's true.

On a whim one rainy & companionless Saturday afternoon, I logged onto my first dating site. I spent a solid hour answering questions followed by damned near 30 minutes of reading its analysis of my emotional health & personality. At 1.5 hours in, I still hadn't seen any men nor had my eyes been opened any wider about myself. I was losing steam fast but foraged on, pressed by thoughts of the local petite & waify men dancing through my head... pitter-pat, pitter-pat, clang, clang, clang... all bones a-jangle-lang. And then... and then... the site told me to wait: No matches yet.

I logged on asap the following morning & had 6 matches. "Joy! Who are these possible hunks of love that have been delivered to my inbox?" I thought. well, they were kinda like this:

Guy1) Springfield Mass, single Dad of two, kids & work are his life, no free time to meet people, 6'0 & a figure like he possibly made these two kids all on his lonesome.
in my head: hmmm... while he is tall enough, he comes with a few donuts I don't need, & while I will date a man with children, he is pretty far away & commuting for "new mommy & me" activities might not be an option. NEXT!

Guy 2) Also not in NYC, 5'11, mid 40's, works as fire-fighter, not super fit but seems very genuine- genuinely lonely! Guy skipped going on a beach trip with his buddies cause he didn't have a girl to go with? Further investigation set off additional co-dependency alarm bells. NEXT.

Guys 3, 4, 5, & 6 were similar. No need to review them all, lord knows the details get garbled; besides, I don't wanna be unkind. I will say this: One dude was 5'5 & all, save one, were far,far away. I sat disappointed & listlessly sipping my morning coffee, wondering: is it me? I thought: all these guys are supposed to match me according to some patented compatibility program- maybe I am not understanding a part of myself after all.

Anyway, I went to work later that day & confessed to a close colleague about my on-line dabbling. Together we had quite a time giggling & reviewing my matches, she assured me that I wasn't committing any sort of sin & to relax about being online. (I'm super conventional & this online thing just seems sooo desperate.) She encouraged me to give it another day & see what happens.

Monday morning I pulled up to the computer & actually hoped that my feedback about the first round of suitors would somehow reset the magic-match-machine. It did! There were 13 whole matches to choose from! Alas, my joy was short lived, literally. It seemed that when I clicked "height" as an issue for not being compatible, the match-machine seemed to interpret the guys as being too tall! Not a suggested mate over 5'7". eek! No, no, no, 13 times & then I realised I'd wasted 45 minutes- I rushed to s.s.s., pee the dog & get to work!!

Tuesday morning I rose curious but with a dim view of the site & its magic-match-machine. Low & behold! There was one guy nearby who, although a lawyer, fit most of my snobby criteria. I sent him some questions & anxiously awaited answers or rejection. The other folks suggested that day got thrown back into the pool.

By Thursday I hadn't heard from, nor been rejected by Tuesday Guy; BUT, I had worked up three whole pages of "no thankses" and even gotten rejected by an asian dude or two! (I can never get it right with those people!)

Friday: Tuesday guy had answered my questions & sent some back to me. The whole question thing is weird cause they give you a set list of questions, most of which are completely scary & inappropriate & others that are just 'effin dull. Me, going through questions: "sooo... I can ask this guy if he likes to rollerblade at the beach, OR, if he wants his wife to fill traditional gender roles & how quickly would he like to get married??! sheesh! I guess I'm going with rollerblades! This is waaAAAy more fruitful than prowling Key Food's produce aisle!" No new candidates but I did answer the questions. (BTW, I will rollerblade at the beach but will only bikini rollerplade in private.. any of you guys reading this own a boardwalk?)

Fast forward to the next week... Tuesday. No word from Mr. Tuesday, no good lawyer shrew. I was quickly pouring through the day's catch & saw.... the friggin site finally sent me the profile of a dude my age, decent build, ok face (on a tiny head, like mine) & 6'4" in height. Whew! His words seemed to be likable so I shot him a drop-list message, a online nudge of sorts. Again with the waiting.

Today: the nudge worked! Let's call this one Wednesday. So, Tall Wednesday guy sent me trite questions to which I replied. Then I sent assorted lame questions back to him. 1st Tuesday must've gotten the vibe of Wednesday 'cause he resurfaced & was all with his: "I've been in London- London, Ontario!" story. We'll see, no whut-whut to get all amped about as yet & to be honest, I find myself looking at singles sites just to enjoy the photographs. There is definitely a blog worthy essay in my head about them, but not tonight.

Anyway, being the suspicious sort, I think the site I'm now on sends duds over & over so you'll get more excited when a half-way decent match comes along. Also, the site costs money which fuels my belief that they are withholding likely matches to be released over weeks, not days. That's probably also the reason you only get a few matches at a time. They loaded me up once but on average, I only get 3-6 matches per day & only once a day. What? What's that you say? It must be my discerning taste that has narrowed the field so? Perhaps you are right, thanks. I'm not really a believer yet but part of me hopes that next Tuesday I will get another good possibility which, statistically, is beating my non-success by Fair Way's banana display...

Will keep you posted!

the last time I smoked

2008-08-12T23:15:00.007-04:00

June 30, 2008 at McTottie's Back Yard Grill. Bought pack of smokes & 6 pack on the way home despite already being drunk & having smoked an almost full pack. Once home I sat at the computer, cracked a beer, blogged on & asked: "self? what are you doing?" some inner arbitration followed which was finally and thankfully over-ridden with: "self, you are stupid; do not commit pussy, slow suicide- go to bed. NOW." I did & that's mostly the end. I had to change things up for a bit, stay away from trigger situations such as blogging for a while, but I think I'm back & it feels good.

Next time:

-possible comments on the Georgia/ Russia situation which scares the hell out of me.
-the sad state of our news & its showmanship. (why not acknowledge the killer 85lb bear as the baby it is? bobbleheads? really?)
-my imminent arrest for stalking if Bev doesn't lay off.
- summer streets, a project consisting of almost 7 car-free miles that I am very proudly volunteering for; see HERE FOR VIDEO or HERE FOR NYC.GOV STORY
-ARP's almost MASTER CLEANSE EXPERIENCE
-rainbows.

Glad to be back.

New Culture in the Hood

2008-06-29T01:20:00.008-04:00

so, there is a bar around the corner from my house that I don't love & I usually don't hate. last night was a night of not love, hipster-roller night. loud brats everywhere, squealing, squeaking, rolling over my neighbor's dogs' turds & spilling everywhere. unsafe, not to mention unsanitary.

apparently they have some sort of almost adult night for, well, everyone, but it seems to attract the blacks. on my ride home this evening there were herds of 'em, mostly under 5'6" & as wide as they are tall, and waddling toward said club. there must be some kind of dress code cause everyone on the street was dressed in gauzy white. kinda funny actually cause when a body wears something white and filmy you can always see the layered bits. meaning: if you have the right thin & unlined white slacks on, you can see the fabric where the pockets are & end up with funny squares all over. or, if you wear a filmy white shirt with white bra & no camisole, the bra stands out like the dickens. more so on folks with dark skin & especially comedic on a dark industrial street for the illusion of poorly planned outfits walking around seemingly without people in 'em. dare I say spooky?

I don't really care that they are here, in fact I kinda like it. hell, besides the two girls smoking a glass one-hitter in a car parked outside my place they are less offensive, quieter, & drive nicer cars than the usual suspects that haunt the bar. plus, they leave me interesting fodder. after last culture night I found a wedding program that was so good I'm saving it for inspiration should I ever marry again. here's a sample of how a wedding program is done, properly.

FRONT COVER:
The Wedding Ceremony of XX & XXX
picture of well fed, happy couple fades out into calla lily frame
O Happy Day
Date, etc

INSIDE COVER:
The Order of Service, which is essentially a bunch of BS about who is who & outline of ceremony that includeds: "enternence of groom" & "entranc of bride" abutted by another picture of canoodling, happy, well fed couple. good fade on the pic but they just couldn't edit out her huge meat hook on his shoulder. oh well, still pretty.

PAGE ONE:
The Bridal Party list, here are a few choice names in order of appearance:
Nattalia (not a bad name, I just like that she is the "mini bride")
Miss Rochelle Ham, bridesmaid (how can she be single with a name like that?!)
Monepha Laing, bridesmaid (money fa what?)
Mr. Hopeton McNaughton, groomsman (yous betta hope NOT! sorry, reaching, I know)
Mr. Thandiwe Victor
& let's not forget the bell ringers: Jyseniyah & Jenayah Tracey
needless to say there are a lot of Browns, Whites, & Blacks in the show too.

PAGE TWO:
Prayer, Great is Thy Faithfulness, & many, many refrains

PAGE THREE:
Poem: Inside Of Me
I was excited to read about being inside of one or both of them in some really personal & creative ways but, alas, this ode doesn't live up to its title. do note that it is written by Jay Scott.

PAGE FOUR:
Welcome Note from the bride and groom.
"Welcome to Temple Emeth." blah, blah, blah. date. love, devotion, witnessing, etc. "It is wonderful to share our happiness with people so dear and we appreciate the massive efforts you have all made to be with us, on this day, in Teaneck, New Jersey. " Teaneck, yikes. "So please make yourself comfortable at your leisure, because to welcome you is our greatest pleasure." blah, blah blah. photo of embracing, happy, well fed couple highlighting arm or mutton leg, & double meat hooks. harsh fade, still pretty in glossy teal.

INSIDE BACK COVER:
this is where our loving & humble couple has gone out of their way to enlighten guests & share the high-lights of fabulous Teaneck, NJ. It is also the place they may reside in the next few years or possibly, after years of happy marriage elsewhere, re-visit with fond memories. feel free to make notes in your travel log, without further adieu:

VISITOR'S DIRECTORY
starts with the numbers of police & a hospital, because in NJ, 911 is a joke.
two hotels
Restaurants:
The Jamaica Connection (I'm feeling right at home!)
Sheng Garden (cause everyone loves a buffet & them chinese fry the hell outta some chicken)
Brooklyn's Brick Oven Pizzeria (that's BK, NJ, right? )
Hair Salon: Razzle Dazzle
& here is my personal favorite in the whole program- Bar: Hooters
followed by such necessities as Nail Plaza, Stop & Shop for groceries (all class, people) & IHOP for breakfast.

Amazed yet? Obviously Teaneck is a mecca of hotspots. If you are thinking of moving to a place with great grocers, sophisticated dining, and loads more to offer, this could be it! I will gladly sell you an apartment, frame house, or commercial space in Teaneck. If you are simply looking to get input on your "momentous day" the BACK COVER of the program thanks everyone for attending & prominently features an ad for the company that designed it & makes events memorable. Incidentally, this is where our fair bride has the much sought after title of MANAGER. I am happy to pass on the particulars to anyone who needs. Lastly, if you need a special someone to plan an event for, or perhaps marry, I am available. application required.

This is cool:

2008-06-28T18:20:00.002-04:00

(From SPF)

"Dear friends and family-

As some of you may know, we will be moving from our home beginning in August and taking on a work/live adventure in a 574 square foot Solar Decathlon home (2005 SNAP House). Our commitment there is to live for one year while making sure the home technology is working and record the energy/water consumption of the building that is sharing it's energy savings with a 3-1 home at the front of the property. The main goal is to make sure that the building is easy to live in for the residents that will follow us the following year. This is a collaborative processes between ourselves and Blackland Community Development Corporation.

Adam and I are thrilled about the opportunity and hoping that you all can come visit us when we get settled into the place. But for now our efforts are concentrated on trying to rent out our 2-1 home on 38.5 St, and we would appreciate your help in spreading the word. Attached is a flier with the details about the home. If you personally know someone who is looking for a place and think they would be a good fit, we will be willing to go down on the price and rental deposit. Also, there is an option to leave the home furnished if need.

Thanks for your help and we will be crossing our fingers with the hope of renting out the place by the first or mid-August."

Can't wait to see it/ stay there in August ! Cool!

Good Theatre for People Who Like Bad Theatre

2008-06-28T00:57:00.003-04:00

really bad, really really bad. the only people amused were the people working the show. I feel horrible saying this because one of my buddies is in the show & she played her part well but overall it just wasn't a worthy production. rookie playwrights, poorly developed characters, no clear point to any story. shit so trite that I don't care to think about why the writer needed to impress it on anyone much less pay or waste time to see it. I left at intermission. my apologies, MC.

last night I went to a friend's birthday/ going away party. it was weird, mostly cause I was completely pooped & a little cause she's a really different person than me. her friends are good people but not people I have been able to identify with much, our paths & ages are very different. the highlight of the evening was watching people care for each other. I am 100% for this cheesey caring for others thing. little stuff, like her bf saying to an unwitting regular that dropped in, "be sure to say happy birthday to CH." and other stuff, by many peeps, like an arm casually draped across a body for seconds, (dudes), eye contact, and I heard the occasional: let me see if my him/her is cool with that/ needs anything. I just like seeing people take care of each other. life is short, feeling good is important & I think we all ultimately want at least one special person to be close to & care with intimately.

dog log: day 3

2008-06-27T00:07:00.003-04:00

things are working out here in dog town. the pups have mellowed, & although jail time is still majority, we have had a fair amount of recreation too. dogs= slowly tiring, human= near done.

a few interesting things have happened over the last two days- I was privileged to attend the opening of a retrospective of Buckminster Fuller's life work with a good friend at the whitney. amazing ideas, revolutionary human. here are a couple more relevant links: Challenge Launch & Buckminster Fuller Challenge

-dome notes: I had a neighbor (Walt) who single-handedly built & then lived in a geodesic dome & only drank fat-free powdered milk. he had an unruly beagle that howled more & worse than a cock & humped legs of all sexes at every opportunity. Walt also had a very good looking son whose name I cannot recall but I do remember attempting my first red light style strip tease for. said son also had one of those wall sized photo murals in his room; it depicted a busy water mill mired amongst lush forest. I spent hours perusing the Penthouse magazines stacked in our tv console table & fantasizing many innocent scenarios making out in front of water mills with that boy whose name I cannot remember . yikes!

later in life, backdrop New Mexico, age 15, I had a friend named Justin whose parents lived in a geodesic dome. they were well to do by NM standards... he hated them & the dome he grew up in, of course. Justin slummed with all us vagrant kids & did his best to be "hard-core" but was never convincing. no matter, we liked him none less. one time ONLY we convinced Justin to take us to his parents' place, nestled in a fancy New Mexican development. I will never forget pulling up to the dome in sweltering NM heat, laughing at our respite & teasing Justin: "yeah, now I see the how you grew up embarrassed, underprivileged in this tiny dome amongst sprawling earth houses." We really were shocked at how tiny the dome was, it was merely an eskimo-like pimple on a acres of houses half-buried in hills. then we entered. we walked in & ran into a railing, Justin's parents called out to us & we peered down, way, way down into semi-dark. the fucking house went three stories deep into the earth. on the final & center floor of the dome his folks were lounging on sofas, 3 earthen floors below us. unbelievable. I felt like I was in Star Wars or Star Trek or something too sci-fi. I had not, & still haven't, seen anything comparable to this place. It was amazing. Justin's mom & I got along really well. she admired the embroidery I had done on my cut-offs & gifted me a book called "Native Funk and Flash". the book is full of hippie embroidery that idolizes incarcerated loved ones, commemorates hallucination, allows for easy sex, (often in groups), & features clever holes for main-lining. from then on I felt for Justin, he became "hard-core" by right of growing up in a mole hill and having crazy parents. poor Justin didn't get to enjoy his legitimate status as a hard core kid very long; we got into a car wreck that night (if I remember right). We went to a reservation party (damned indians!) after visiting the folks, imbibed, & then Justin, another Justin, Chris, & I did 2.5 long-ways flips off a highway overpass. holy roof landing! luckily, we all walked away & some highway troopers saw the whole thing. they had us checked out by e.m.t.s & drove us to our respective homes. I didn't see chris (his fault, sentenced to adult re-hab/ jail at 17) or Justin #1 ever again. Justin 2 & I saw each other again briefly but it was teary & uneasy after almost death together.

March 8th- am I telling this right? You & DF were on the recieving end of my written blow-by-blow & may still have the words I wrote home, including thoughts & friends during our first war in Iraq. What a time... think I was also devising a way to live off of chunky peanut butter, m&ms, and adult diapers around this time.

The other interesting thing that I meant to tell about is the hearing regarding handguns in DC. Don't know if anyone listened but the formal pomp and circumstance of trial is really something. I, and March 8th, grew up with guns as tools & part of the household. I found the arguments (both ways) to be very compelling. art of the tongue.

dog log: day 1

2008-06-24T23:07:00.007-04:00

so, the dog that I fostered a couple weeks ago is visiting for seven days & seven nights. nice to know that his new master entrusts me with this charge so completely but is also a total bummer. two terriers to too many. they go ape shit together & my neighbors can't stand the sound of them stomping around the apartment together, nor can I. in effort to keep the roar dull I am essentially running a seven day dog jail. no fun.

I picked him up last night & had what I thought would be a pretty good tired dog regimen in mind. I woke up this morning & walked them to the park, intent on wearing them out for the day. upon arriving at the park I found signs announcing bouts of giardia & retreated, quickly. we walked for a full hour & I let them run and play together but it isn't enough. all day they rested side-by-side in cages, miserable. I came home at lunch & we walked/played again. still not enough. tonight, after working till 8 & still recuperating from sunday's antics, we went through the lengthy routine again. dogs= not yet satisfied/happy, human= exhausted.

6 days & 6 nights to go...

In other news, I wore a pair of stretch gabardine pants today. I love gabardine but don't get the stretch thing. it's a great fabric: lovely texture, natural fibers, warm yet breathable & comes in different weights to accommodate each season. why fuck with it?

seems like most fabrics today possess some element of stretch. I'm cool with stretch in foundation garments & possibly work-out clothes, or on folks who are really hot. I also see the necessity for those who are pregnant or happen to suffer from glandular problems, but why the hell do the rest of us need our daily driving outfits to stretch? the material deteriorates faster, holds bad smells, and usually doesn't look or move as classy. is it so we can pretend we didn't gain umpteen lbs over the winter, keeping our fragile egos in tact as we watch ultimate fighting & victoria's secret fashion shows whilst gorging? "yeah, I bought these stretch pants in august, it's february... they STILL fit! pass the fried chicken and honey bbq dipping sauce.... say- can I get another pop?" hell, we may as well bring elastic waist bands and adult jumpers (plenty of pleats, please) back into our mainstays.

geez. if I've become the fucking michelin blimp, I wanna know & make amends. I also want the satisfaction of sliding back into skinny jeans after starving/ working out from may-july.

january me: hello pants!
pants: hell-o-no!

july me: hello pants!
pants: still hot! back that ass IN!

obviously, my world is rife with struggle. thanks for reading.

whole lotta nuthin

2008-06-24T00:30:00.004-04:00

my UP team won yesterday. that's five in a row. it was a close game & just after a player cost us two runs by dropping a fly ball he got it back, plus two, with a grand slam. saved our little asses. the team is finally relaxing, gelling, nice. we drank cases of beer in the rain & celebrated our last game with Nancy, our killer left fielder. sad to see him go but luckily we have a capable person to fill his shoes. after the park a few of us decided we should drink on new guy's roof & play some silly paddle game. probably not the wisest choice. we finally realized we were starving & went across the street to a restaurant I've heard lots about, Juliette. It was an okay meal but I found myself beyond the point of really being able to enjoy it; too much beer, too hungry. of course, after dinner we did a little more hanging out & by 2am I was home. thank god.

I woke up foggy at 7 this morning, moved cars, did house shit & went to work. then I had a game in the city. I secretly wished it would rain out, it didn't. I guess it's good cause I've been working on my pitching & threw the hell out of the ball for four innings. almost every batter took a swing & got nuthing but air at least once- it felt good. the team was really happy & Coach will be gone next game (leaving Chang & me at the helm) which means I'll be on the mound for a full 7 innings come Monday. my left butt cheek hurts which maybe means I'm doing something right. I also got a hit every time I batted. FINALLY. the bad news? a low line-drive caught me on the side of a knee. no skirts for a while.

it's poised to be another busy week. I've got to start passing some things up.

BBB & winning a personal challenge

2008-06-19T23:29:00.011-04:00

the Better Business Bureau has made it very easy to file complaints. thank you. since early february I have done a monthly song & dance with with endless numbers of helpless verizon representatives & it takes more than an hour each time. it's become comedy hour in my office. literally. when word gets out that I am on my monthly call to verizon wireless, people start calling things out over their cubicles & I eventually wind up with giggling masses around me. no bull. for a week or so after I hear people on the phone, using my material, followed by props for how well my technique works. only problem? it isn't working for me. at this point I find it to be harassment & am starting to believe that I may be due punitive damages. I am sure I will have to do the dance a few more times (including tomorrow) before this is squared away & I hope that in due time the BBB will help.

Other things I wish I could pass onto someone else:

guy in office with girlfriend & annoying crush on me
my ex-husband's cat that I loved enough to protect untold years ago
a drinking problem
new-found & sit-up/ crunch resistant fat @ my middle (first summer it isn't moving, could it be my drinking problem?)
house cleaning
debt
george bush

think that's about it. I don't mind working or paying bills (that I owe) & actually, I don't wanna pass this stuff on to anyone else; if these things would just vaporize it would be cool.

here are some things I'd like more of:

money (duh.)
winning softball teams (FYI: Rockstars= undefeated, Rockstars Too= 1 loss, Union Pool= no loss since I started coaching solo.)
stuff to write about on my blog
sex & possibly love
education

that's pretty reasonable, right? I'm a fairly happy person & have heard I'm easy to please. of course, I've heard I'm too easy to please as well- not enough boundaries can be confusing I suppose. (my new fat-lipped, large bosomed friend, SB, can relate to be sure.) anyway. I don't lack much, I just need to learn the art of fine tuning what I do have.

yesterday, in effort to better myself, I partook in the JP Morgan Chase Corporate Challenge. I've done this once before (Elektra Records contingency) and kinda knew the drill. I sauntered to the home camp where the head nut, ensconced in head-to-toe leopard, told me I couldn't leave my belongings. yikes! I had waters, wallet, parka, dense sweatshirt, house keys, property keys, phone, quarters, pens, the works. I reconciled myself with the fact that it was only 3.5 miles & journeyed to the start, back-pack & all. I found my comrades (stuff free) & realized too late that I was at the start for a 10 minute mile! NOT FOR ME. rain started, parka donned.

flash to race:

off I go! trotting with a heavy back-pack & short strided masses... a woman next to me calls "4:17!" as we cross the start. I don't think about it, just keep putting one foot in front of the next. I'm overheating. "m u s t d i t c h p a r k a . . .", I pull off the track & done! carry on... as I run, I think: "have they reversed the route? last time I did this it seemed like all uphill, now seems all downhill. of course, you were doing a lotta drugs then... thank god that's over." BAM! mile one DONE. Clock: 15:11. "legs? you still there? yes?! stay!" still running, passing people, I think I might be able to run another whole mile. "keep going, keep going, knees good? good knees! keep going." all of a sudden my lungs act up: "fucking nasty, no good smoking. allergies. suicide. b r e a t h e t h r o u g h." I see mile two marker ahead, spit up funky stuff, dodge through traffic, & make a push. 23:09. "clocks must be off, pull over, breathe." I pull over, walk like a zombie, swish water, spit water, stick elbows out, bend my neck in an unnatural position to open the pipes & feel lots better. LOTS better. "okay mental tachometer, mark one half mile for recoup, then our body is running at a comfortable pace till the finish-line or collapse." run again I did. crossed the finish line at 3.5 miles with a final time of 43:47.

back at camp, some full-of-shit real estate agent that started many bodies ahead of me proclaimed that the start clock read 7:Something when he & his buddy crossed it. BULL SHIT. if my math is right, (I'm admittedly pretty bad at integers), after years of no running, lotsa smoking, drinking, drugs, jobs, boyfriends/ husbands, one pit stop, and walking I still pulled a 10:11 mile. NOT BAD. and certainly no way I was any faster. although sometimes I am- between home plate & 1st.

hopefully this run benefits something, I didn't look closely enough at the url to discern the why, just the when & where.

PS- t h a n k s t o x m a s t i m e f o r r e m i n d i n g m e h o w t o m a k e g r e a t p a u s e s i n a w r i t t e n s t o r y. Besos!~

New Leaves

2008-06-17T23:20:00.003-04:00

spent this evening driving into the city to see the opening of a teammates building. nice event & nice building. I don't do many sales in Harlem but I think I might have peeps to send there. plus, our team has a whole philosophy of being a team on & off the field- we support each other in all aspects. pretty neat. I've made unlikely new friends that I really enjoy & value.

upon my return to BK, The B & I went next door for a little wine & conversation. settled in outside & caught up with SKL & CH at a slow and pleasant pace. LOVED IT. there were times that we all talked at once & times of reflective silence too. not a lot happened, not anything important was exchanged but somehow I feel a deeper understanding of them both. (no, I am NOT tooted!) it was the perfect way to unwind.

The B & I very much enjoyed it, thanks ladies.

mostly sweetly single rant & buckminster fuller

2008-06-17T01:14:00.004-04:00

I've really been enjoying the single life for a while now. I get to do loads of cool stuff with a lot of different folks & answer to no-one. can't complain. however, I do sometimes worry that such independence might render me too headstrong & free wheeling, making it difficult & possibly unappealing for anyone to keep up with. I also spend a lot of money that I would otherwise put toward a real home or investment if I had someone fun to spend my nights at home with. laying hardwood (of all varieties) and pickling stuff sounds like a great way to burn time to me. trouble is, it just isn't as fun alone. besides, I'm a creature of mostly boring habit & I'm possibly at the point that the trade-off of a phone call from McTottie's saying: I'll be home late, or a: do you mind if I x-y-z tonight, in exchange for a buddy to dine, travel, and cuddle with seems like a worthy one.

Buckminster Fuller (someone I've always found intriguing) has been in the press lately & is coming up at the Whitney. I have passes to the opening reception & yeah, I can, & probably will, take a girlfriend but it sure would be nice to have a man friend accompany me to this sort of thing.

pictures too. I've taken a few lately & they seem somehow empty, there's no scale in most of them. would be nice to have the occasional smiling human to give them size & life.

hope I'm not coming off as desperate, don't THINK I am. rather, I think I've finally had enough time to heal, enjoy independence, and am ready to trust again. it's a good feeling & when the person is right I think I am ready to seize opportunity.

PS- the team I am coaching won again! holy shit! I might just be getting the hang of this coaching thing & our group is tighter than ever which is all I really care about. GO POOL!

Not so Big Brown

2008-06-11T01:39:00.002-04:00

As we all know, there was no triple crown winner this weekend. Total horse meltdown. I have some thoughts on this & am happy to elaborate if you ask me in person. suffice to say I think something smells bad.

my softball team won. holy shit- don't want to take credit but it looks like things are coming together. can't wait for next sunday's match.

met up with friends from Texas & one local for drinks. nice time. then wandered to an amazing dinner at PT in williamsburg. best meal I've had in a long, long time. must confess that I wouldn't normally spring for this kind of dinner & especially not during a weeknight but a friend is leaving town for a spell & I've been meaning to pop in. every course was explained by the chef who also suggested wine. incredible meal, great atmosphere, I will go again. also overheard a conversation about Texas at a table across the room. I laughed & apparently settled a debate about fake boobs & things being bigger there. funny.

THE Race

2008-06-07T01:37:00.002-04:00

I started attending the Belmont when I moved to nyc & have only missed it one time since. I grew up in love with horses & to see such a great race was at the top of my list upon arriving. I think it was around 7 years old that I began promising myself to see a race at Belmont & that if a great enough horse came along in my life, I would be in the grandstands to witness its Triple Crown victory. tomorrow is very exciting for me, silly for sure, but it's the potential of a dream fulfilled none the less.

I have no connection to Big Brown yet I will probably cry if he wins. I didn't grow up dreaming about rock stars or football players, I grew up longing to be in the presence of amazing 4 legged athletes that run their hearts & bodies out at the will of man. can't explain or rationalize it, that's just what I identified with & to a degree, still do. horses are so strong & independent yet willing to risk death at our hands. they're like huge dogs- everything we give them, they will give back, ten-fold.

I've had the honor to ride a few great horses, bad ones too, & their deference has always amazed me. maybe it's a horse people thing, I dunno, but it is undeniably incredible that such a large & strong willed animal will set aside its ego & instinct, entrusting the small hand, leg, and foot of human to guide it for better or worse.

Truly noble creatures.

dreams

2008-06-06T01:01:00.005-04:00

have had the weirdest ones lately. whilst dreaming four nights ago I found myself in a swimsuit, at the edge of a beautiful limestone spring pond. someone handed me a palm-sized fish. I guessed it was dead by it's stillness & was starving hungry so I pulled out a pocket knife, sliced a filet off of each side & consumed, not even scaling it. after eating I noticed it had no guts & dropped the remnants back to the water. I missed. the fish landed upright, as if it was swimming, on a small outcrop of rock just above the water's surface. it began to gasp for breath but wouldn't wriggle. instantly & without thinking I picked it up like a hot potato & thrust it into the life-giving water, then watched. I felt guilt- like I had wrongly taken something that didn't belong to me; I silently prayed for it to swim off into the deep, no sides or guts and all. didn't happen, the fish just languished at the surface & my guilt deepened. in a panic I plucked the fish up & laid it on the rock I upon. then I grabbed a hammer & plunged into the pool of crisp, clear water. I was under for a while & upon resurfacing, took a whack at the fish that rested on my former perch. my intent was to put it out of it's misery. BAM! I hit it! still in the water, I cocked my arm back for another hit. as I swung the fish became a man & my small hammer became a full on sledge. I tried to stop my swing but couldn't....shit! WHACK! I made full contact to the head of this unknown guy who was sitting cross-legged in my spot. he leaned forward, toward the water, his forehead leaked scarlet red seams into the once colorless pond. in total panic mode, I thought- "what now?!". I looked around the lip of the water, tons of people were egging me on, I was totally confused & scared & thought: "I have to finish what I started, I have to own this, it is all my fault." so I did. effortlessly, the sledge hammer reared above my head, I closed my eyes, & swung. BAM! full contact with the back of this guy's head- I felt it & opened my eyes, waiting to see if I had finished him. at first he was motionless, still sitting indian style, bent at the waist, knees & head hanging over the water. finally, slowly, he sat fully up- brains hanging out, skull bits & blood all over him & everywhere. I was freaking out & noticed drizzles of blood flowing into the water from his knees. "now what??", I thought, more freaked and stomach turning faster than ever. he looked at me & quietly, & calmly, so only I could hear it, said: " now are you done? obviously, I am not."

holy shit!!! thankfully my cat woke me up. I told a friend about it & he says I am crazy, afraid to love a man. I dunno, probably his diagnosis is right, the love part for sure. this dream has been followed by others of striving to meet an unknown person & wrecking on the way. in one dream I was traveling with my brother, in separate train cars, & the train wrecked. his part of the train made it & he made it to our final destination. I climbed out of the wreckage, helped fellow passengers as much as I could, cleaned up, & walked through the bush, along tracks & trails for days. eventually I found & got lost in an unfamiliar train or subway station going who knows where. yikes.

It has been my intent to reach out to my dad for father's day- we haven't interacted for many years. after these dreams I'm not so sure about it. or dating. my unconscious is scaring the hell out of me.

input anyone?

reality check

2008-06-06T00:08:00.003-04:00

there is a chick that came to work in the group I work in about 2 months ago. SB's got a boob job, enhanced lips, bleach white hair, miami tan, & I love her like a sister. she & I spent several parallel years in my home town, knowing of & being around each other but never being buds, never making an impression enough to care about each other. we both eventually landed in nyc via guys from that scene but left it far behind, each in our time & ways; both speak of it little & with next to no one. that life is done. about a year ago we re-met (not realizing) through work & despite our very different persona's, bonded. then nothing really, gave each other tips, business as usual. some time later (now) SB joined us in BK. our mutual past came out at her welcoming dinner. this so-different-than-me chick & I are each others' skeleton in the closet & best secret keeping friends. it is so strange to walk into work every day and to see someone that I've shared so much with, yet, it is so indirect & personal all at once. there is no way I can express the oddity- she is a tangible ghost & symbol of a time so far gone it's like a movie watched long ago. somehow it makes us both feel good, perhaps we are each other's reassurance that we've done okay by ourselves. its shocking & amazing how different we took our once-so-close lives in & now, after 20 plus years, we have ended up closer than ever, working together no less. I've been trying to wrap my mind around it for a while now & just can't- it blows me away, she blows me away & I, her. so much bad stuff & great stuff & dead people. I've wanted to laugh & cry when we've talked, her too. I guess we feel lucky to see each other alive and well. it's taken me all this time to write about it cause I just don't know how to express the gravity of it all. we are fortunate.

2008-06-03T23:26:00.004-04:00

wish the pics could be bigger. the Chang/ Song wedding. gorgeous ceremony and probably the nicest wedding I have ever been to. it was at Riverside Church & a very formal christian ceremony in two languages & songs by a korean choir in the middle. this was followed by cake ceremony & equally formal Korean ceremony with sharing of wine, homage to elders, and throwing/catching of dates to symbolize the number of children to be had. very interesting. & the Koreans want money at a wedding, not gifts. suits me fine. of course there was an after party which was also interesting & during which I realized that if I was gunna be an asiaphile I would probably pick koreans. there were some tall & very good looking guys there, one of whom reminded me of a korean dude I used to have a crush on. His name? Power, of course. funny. city pic is from lounge at the altier building in hell's kitchen where the party was. all day affair- kicked my butt. softball suffered the next day.

last night had dinner with an asian friend & talked about japanese wedding customs. apparently, our japanese friends think that when wed, a woman has horns of jealousy that come out & a large white hat is worn to hide them. there is a mask of this called hanna, rumored to be the scariest of all japanese masks. my companion seems to agree that "all woman have horn, good to keep hide". I just about busted a gut & reminded him that he has dated the meanest of mean women. must admit, I've been know to have the occasional horn pop out, who hasn't?

slowly but surely.

2008-06-02T01:02:00.004-04:00

so, after a week of consideration & much adieu about line-up strategy with the Bam Bam last night, I called the shots on U.P.'s roster today. granted, I pulled in a couple of opinions, but the line-up was mine. we were missing a few key players & subs were my call too. we won. FINALLY. granted, we played a tired team, but I couldn't care less- finally feels like the spirit is back & that's all I'm after.

I'm wasted tired & moderately drunk, more about tonight in the park tomorrow. oh, plus korea.

Chang-Song Affair.

2008-06-01T02:24:00.002-04:00

really kicked my butt. those Koreans are something. this was probably the most comprehensive, sweet, and entertaining wedding I have ever had the honor to attend. details & pics tomorrow. or monday.

lotsa talk about making a line-up tonight, will see how it pans out in the am. think aaron bats 1st, steph 3rd or fourth.

holy butt cheeks, Paris!

2008-05-31T00:27:00.005-04:00

I pulled a butt muscle playing first base tonight. I think it's been about 3 weeks since I played softball & my head just wasn't where it needed to be. I should've come off the bag to catch the ball then turned to take out the runner but I didn't. when the ball came short I bent and stretched just enough to get my bottom out of whack. then I got to chase the ball all squirrely limping & next inning it was off to right field for me. bummer. at the bar after I was pretty quiet, into the Mets game & my teammates kept asking "what's wrong?" nothing is wrong with me (pms) so I let them know & then our coach (whom I suspect also has pms) decided to chime in: "if I may be frank... you look like someone who is extremely constipated- especially at first base!! what happened out there???!!!" ouch, true, & I totally lacked comeback.

after a coupla wings & beers I made my way to the 86 & Lex station. on the platform I spied a tall & good looking young guy; we briefly made eye contact & I settled my sore ass against a pole to read. because unruly cramps & a pulled butt side aren't enough, this guy decided to ask for directions. REALLY? huh. I gave him the stats on his destination & he hung around, still chatty. we talked. he's from Paris, here to drum up work- acting, of course. Gregory or Gabrielle, or whatever his name is, seemed very self assured, a tad lonely, and ripe for the picking. meanwhile your heroine, jbird, could only think: "does he get why I'm wearing this sloppy oversized jersey & cleats? can he tell that I'm limping? oh shit! did I wipe that blue cheese off my shirt?" not that it mattered- I felt like Bozo the Clown in my oversized clothes, complementary pms bloating, & was certainly sporting a red ring around the mouth from dueling buffalo sauce. did I mention one eye being mostly shut from an expertly navigating insect that found it's way there? my heart just wasn't in it. we shared a nice ride to 42nd St & I absconded. good luck guy.

on a better note, last night I'm with some friends & friends of friends at the local bar- people start leaving & one of em just happens to be on a motorcycle. nice guy, good spirited and smart, supposedly makes a good living, is fit, handsome, & apprx 45. anyway, this guy pulls up to a light across the street from the bar & is seriously spacing so I decide to sneak attack. somehow I manage to trot to the bike unseen, jump on the rear fender, and wrap my legs around him just as the light turns. (no bitch pad or pegs) he goes with it & we're off! we make it about two blocks before hitting a red & while stopped he cooly asks, "so- you staying in Bay Ridge tonight?" awesome!! hilarious line- best I've gotten in eons. unfortunately, I had no helmet & said man is just a mite bit bigger than Tom Thumb. back to the bar for me. remaining compadres & I laughed our asses off.

attending my first korean wedding tomorrow. apparently the reception happens before the ceremonies and there are hell-of-many ceremonies. american, korean, cake, you name it they are gunna whoop it up about it. should be interesting. not sure what to wear but I have a very conservative silk dress in fall colors should all else fail. quite the asian celebration week for me & you all know how I love the asians! welllly much!

full day, next to nothing & home accomplished

2008-05-28T22:16:00.007-04:00

I worked all day, got next to nothing done. had a meeting with my peers, accomplished baby steps, and am honing my skills as a negotiator.

went to my mechanic, again, car still sick. at shop two "Vacuum Leak!!" was mentioned- as I suspected & offered as the problem in the first place. wish I had a driveway. I would spend every night tearing the god damned thing apart & putting it back together again. mark my words- the problem just might partially be a sticky wide open throttle switch or the idle speed motor control (as suggested by my mechanic) but it may also be a leak in the vacuum hose running between the manifold absolute pressure sensor & the throttle body. that, or a hose was knocked lose by the chumps who worked on the tranny causing the car to suck air in reverse when killed & now has to be lifted to find it. it's suspect that two parts connected to one part died simultaneously- will keep you posted.

the car did get inspected which is always an experience & big accomplishment. it would probably pass conventional inspection & has before but there is part of me which doesn't like to wonder. also, I kind of love being the square looking busty girl that ambles in with the white black dude that everyone reveres. shop two gets inside out, just for a moment, when we roll in. plus, I just like my mechanic, he's a good friend. so, we go to shop two, say our hellos, hang around, get toured through pretty cars, then split for margaritas. when we resurface, the car is done, shit talking ensues, advice is given, (read: vacuum leak), then we abscond back to shop one for raw oysters & cold beer whilst surrounded by pretty two & four wheeled machines. not an unpleasant experience.

what else? looked for car & chandelier parts online, nada. tried to buy a refurbished phone online & via customer service, nada.

spoke with a few members of one softball team, there is much unrest that I am trying really hard to undo. another team suffered its first loss, I wasn't there & feel awful about it. team 3 remains undefeated.

I committed to my apartment by putting nails in the wall tonight. this is something that I haven't done ever- in the almost 3 years I've been here it's been only fixing, no imprinting, on the space. think it has to do with inheriting the apartment from someone I very much admire & not wanting to disturb her legacy, my heart being broken, a couple of roommates coming & going, and a deep rooted fear of the carpet being yanked out from under me at any moment. very glad to be getting over it. I actually moved stuff into & around in the spare room which inspired me to think about color & use of the whole space. I guess that for the very first time I am feeling like this is my home. its a good feeling. my landlady must be feeling the same way because she offered me a key to the basement. perks!

I guess the only other stuff to squawk about is still being single (I've officially sworn off men between 26 & 32), the props that Wheelie Man & the Austin crew have sent my way for being a tenacious rider, decent campfire breakfast cook, & funny sneaker-losing emailer to boot. those guys are about to embark on 80 miles-yikes!

in other news: I've been working on not smoking & have pms. you are officially warned, & Gina, can we have that tenderloin on saturday?

Great Week, Great Birthday

2008-05-27T01:05:00.005-04:00

yesterday was nice. got a few things done around the house, played softball, baked in the sun, and had beer with many friends. as you've probably read, that has pretty much been the M.O. all week. it's been a long while since I took time off & stayed in the ole BK & it ruled.

today started slow, the B, the L, & I are quickly back on track with our lazy girls routine since re-homing our male guest. our system is starting coffee, morning poops, & back to bed with coffee, crossword, & radio news. very comfortable, even when the routine starts at 7am, which it mostly does.

around noon B & I went shopping for the birthday girl whose party I was scheduled to attend later. we struck out on the gift & I headed into the city for bbq goods at trader joes. I really like this place- cheap groceries plus a lot of organic & fair trade. they also stock a lot of the hippy shit I grew up eating/ using & its nice to have access to familiar goods. not to mention cheap wine. good cheap wine. I scored a bottle of vino for the birthday lass that would have cost $10 more anywhere else. plus, I really enjoy driving in the city when everyone has split town.

bbq at Tott's was low-key, good mix of peeps & their kids. can't believe mammalizza could be so chill when she's two full days overdue. after bbq I was off to May's birthday. collaborated with SK on the gift/ card front & absconded to Bozu & the unknown.

the unknown... I figure that when invited to a sit-down dinner birthday the guest list will be 6-8 peeps that have a slight knowledge of each other, will have fun getting better acquainted & all pitch in to pay for the honoree. not so in this case. 26 people were invited to this meal. 24 showed, most of us were not connected at all. my immediate neighbor was italian, 6 months off the boat, imported to chef & open a new restaurant. across was a pleasant woman & her kiwi fiancee along with an austrian restaurateur. to my right was SK. the austrian was a bit of a snob, the italian very engaging & fairly versed in english, the lady & her man a riot, as was SK.

we bonded over saki, rioja, chinese beer, and an 8+ course meal of small plates- the first a seafood & vinegar aspic that was a real loser. after the initial dish each plate got better & better and the service was brilliant. no, it wasn't the booze, or the fact that our waiter joyfully stuck memorial flags we manufactured into the cracks of low-rise-jeans wearing friends. (didn't hurt though.) the food was excellent.

during dinner May addressed the crowd & shared that her mother once said to celebrate 40 & 41 is bad luck in chinese tradition. she also added that she did not celebrate the next year, just to be safe. pretty cute. she then extolled how happy she was to make it past & share with friends whilst standing on a not so solid chair. applause ensued. we had a great, hours long, meal laughed till our faces hurt & tasted wild new things. it was truly one of the neatest celebrations I have attended.

then Bozu's neighbors complained, the chef came to shush us, & the bill arrived. we were all ready to pony up a fair amount for our experience, plus a chunk more to cover the birthday girl, her date, & Mom. NOT TO HAPPEN. clever miss May had paid for food before our arrival, her man picked up the booze. we were all stupefied & left shoving wads of money into our waiter's hand. birthday girl pays? truly a new one for me.

thank you, May.

in other news, I finally relented & bought a ticket to Kansas City, MO tonight. gunna join some lady friends & SK's family for the fourth. can't recall ever being there before although my dog has been. hopefully it goes better than Puerto Rico & the recent girls night. I've reserved the right to abscond to a hotel, no questions asked.

girls night.

2008-05-25T02:48:00.003-04:00

for me, this is usually going over to Tott's place & knocking a few back. tonight it was skipping my usual saturday shows & connecting with chicks in the city for dinner.

first, I went to batting practice with SK for an hour. then we lunched, then I napped, then I got the text to be on the platform at 8. great, into the city.

I don't really give a shit if the plan is solid or loose, I do request that if it's just more than you & me, someone that is not me make the decisions. we wandered down clinton street (which I find charming) and ended up at a great wine/chocolate/coffee place that I could have stayed at all night. the last of our party phoned in & it was time to make a choice on food. apparently, the ladies I was with were very much on the prowl & clinton street was too cozy couple for them, off to ludlow. fine by me. after much debate we supped a typical brasserie & after, the ladies decided to connect with a group of peeps south of delancy. cool, till malcontent set in.

we strolled into a lovely wine bar & settled into our group when the cats started to howl. not enough dancing, not the right men, too warm, no vodka, silly shit. I sat at the table, sipped some nice wine, listened to conversation with new peeps & enjoyed not having to talk to engage. one chika called me out as being too european- "you bitch, you have it so easy: just throw on a sweater, sit on a stool, look perfect, everything you want comes to you." my response? "thanks, I bought my bag in paris." I knew it was meant with some affection & I also knew that I had no plans for the night other than doing what I was engaged in at that moment. result: the appearance of absolute contentment when really, I wished my companions to let go, relax, stop planning the demise of some dude or themselves. they couldn't. endless bitching in a beautiful setting ensued, caused the wine to lose its luster despite my best efforts to mentally check out & finally- the scene wrapped.

plans were hashed to go to a bar where a coupla ladies had gotten lucky with a coupla armenian guys the week before. not interested in any L.E.S. cooties, I started looking out for cabs. nada. we passed by the "lucky" bar & lines were around the corner so the ladies settled for a drink at a snooty club. this, I thought, is more my speed. nope.

we piled into the stanton social club (a rookie bar by all accounts) & the leading ladies couldn't get a table. anger and more bitching ensued. I observed a couple paying & advised everyone hold their horses. we got the table but no service. more bitching. I took everyone's drink order & went to the bar. one of my companions insisted she would get service first & went flush-faced to the waiter well. I held my post at the center of the bar & got our drinks. haggling over the $57.00 tab for 4 drinks ensued. I squashed it & told a funny (to me) anecdote. nothing, nada. six sex starved eyes bugged out at me. then some clever maiden in our midst brought up vibrating rubbers & sex toys. YAWN. I have no problems in the self satisfaction realm. I'm not knocking toys, I just (as of yet) haven't needed them & am in no hurry to hit that wall. plus, I've heard this dialogue from them 1000 times. total default chatter. to me, the conversation was "we're boring horny chicks with nothing to say to each other so lets be shocking to each other & be obtusely intimate!" did I say YAWN? one chick got the hiccups.

I drank my overpriced crappy wine & headed back to the street, resolute to find a cab & extract myself from being the unwitting ringmaster of lonely broads that need their pipes & heads flushed.

I'm thankfully home & also think girls night at Tott's is all I need or can handle. plus, I'm too cheap for these ill-planned, virus exposing, not-quite-man-chasing shenanigans.

Signed, happy to be home & alone.

surf is on>>>

2008-05-23T00:41:00.006-04:00

went out to long beach, ny tuesday. stayed with friends in island park, actually. had a blast. took my dog, foster dog, AA (foster dog's new dad), & a coupla boards. despite one untimely pitfall, it was a blast. our hosts, Diggler & Trish, set us up with everything we could possibly desire & while Trish had to leave us for work, the Diggler was a great tour guide & showed us all over. many fine beers were had, too much food devoured, and strong coffee got us going again.

yesterday morning AA & I stopped at a surf store cause he needed a full wet suit. before going in I took a look at my full suit & realized that after 8 years of fair use & personal growth, squeezing my current largess into it would most likely blow the few seams remaining intact. don't know if you've ever tried on these friggin' things but they come in many shapes, cost a notable amount of money, & are a bit of a workout to get on. AA found his right away (from the sale rack, of course- tiny, lucky bastard) while I worked up a sweat with 2 sizes in 3 models which only made the goddamned things harder to peel on and off. It was absurd & I actually threw my shoulder out in the process. eventually we both got new wet suits. BADASS.

technology has certainly changed in 8 years. my new ws is only 2/3 as thick as the old & of the same temp rating yet 1000 times more effective. after nearly two hours in the 50 degree surf & mostly practicing my duck-dive,(due to bad shoulder), I peeled the thing off & still had dry spots inside. amazing. can't help but wonder how dry inside would have been if I hadn't peed in it. (surfer trick for warming up in cold water, really wasn't needed in the new suit but old habits die hard.)

swells were knee to waist high with strong regular sets & it was indescribably cool to get re-associated with the ocean. long beach is lovely, especially before open season, with shitty dollar tacos on every corner, & two bathrooms at the house. our timing was perfect. foster dog is now & hopefully forever residing with AA. can't express how elated I am for home to be just the B, the L, and me again.

on a side note- my bike got stolen the other night. very sad.

Lost Friday, Hot Date Today, and More

2008-05-18T00:45:00.004-04:00

Dudes, this Friday kicked my ass. Seriously. I am all about routine, probably cause I never had any growing up. I've worked out a pretty good one, on saturdays, for the past few years & friday has finally been coming together, but yesterday was a shambles. my friday deal is a half day's work, bowling with buddies, a softball game (when the season is on), then beer with buddies. I either go out with my team or to my friend, Medium G's, place to imbibe. this friday I worked my ass off, uncommonly so. it also rained like the dickens & the car is at the mechanic so I ended up riding many miles soaked to the bone. no one showed for bowling & my softball game was cancelled. I was feeling a bit upside down but a friend tends bar at the alley & is adopting the dog I'm fostering so we (the dog & I) went by for a brew in effort to right things. I ended up in the company of a client & his chick & had a very nice time but felt lost the whole time. bartending pal caught wind of this & suggested that I go to Med.G's place, despite the rain, in effort to get some center. I did. it cost me $20 in cabs but the time had was worth it & I managed to set up a great date for today.

My house is filthy, not because I'm filthy but because the woman I am paying to clean my house is not cleaning very well. I had to hang around this afternoon so her supervisor could come see the mess. The whole time waiting I just wanted to clean but couldn't, lest I defeat the purpose. The supervisor came, was horrified, & promised to have all right by monday. just a few more days with a filthy house. eek! I had to escape. took the dogs for a loooong walk, bought lovely scallops at the farmers market, & fixed a tasty lunch of buckwheat soba noodles with pesto & fried scallops. yum!

Friday was so off that over beers & scrabble I consented to abandon my saturday plans & see a movie with HG. Honestly, I had forgotten about it but was elated when she called this afternoon to hold me to it. We made a date to meet at Spike Hill for cocktails & venture into the city. VERY NICE. I haven't had one-on-one time with her since Paris last July & we had a great time.

HG manned our seats while I ran to the sports store to pick up softballs, grab sodas, & fetch popcorn. Our movie was Iron Man, which rules on a big screen & I highly recommend. We then tried to relive our days in Paris together by dining at a french place called Tree but were turned away for lack of reservation. No matter. We wandered down to St Mark's, HG shared a bit of her personal history in the neighborhood along the way, & landed at Mogador, one of my favorite brunch spots. dinner was deeelish & it was so refreshing to be in HG's company again. we did review our days in Paris then HG busted out the potential of Cairo (I am so in) & generally, it had been too long since we touched base & I was honored to share time together. it was raining pretty fiercely when we left the restaurant but as luck would have it, a cab arrived as we stepped out. we journeyed back to BK, me to the filthy house, and a big day tomorrow but I am somehow very refreshed.

tomorrow: possibly umping my first game of softball ever. slightly intimidating. missing my softball game due to work. and meeting up with EJ, a friend that I haven't seen since I was 19 at best. the last time I hung out with him was before Austin's version of Carnavale. At least six of us got naked, or next to naked, in a walk-in shower where blue body paint was slathered about & all emerged in said color punctuated with orange spots. should be interesting, especially since he knows some peeps at home that know peeps that I know here & there stands to be some good gossip exchanged as our world gets that much smaller. get it?

monday: possibly a bbq in long island although somewhere between now & tuesday morning I have to pick up my car, pack myself, two dogs, & two surfboards for a coupla days at a beach house with friends. I'm guessing I'll get it done & it won't suck.

On that note, I need my beauty rest. adieu.

good party joke

2008-05-15T00:21:00.006-04:00

the following joke is the best I've heard in a long time. its a little unkind & might not be so funny in "mixed company" or to those who live outside nyc & I love it. especially because it's wrong & simple...

what happened to the jew with a hard-on when he accidentally walked into a wall?
-he broke his nose.

Brilliant! Lurve it! as the girls are saying. learned it from a bona-fide jew just today. got to talking about race with a friend tonight. very interesting.

I find greeks & romans very sexy, think its a strong nose thing plus the culture, or my fantasy of it... vomitoriums, concubines, slaves fanning, wine & grapes & orgies in easily lifted togas, conquering the world, architecture, and more. very wrong & good & sexy stuff. they tend to be too short for me though & while viewing their sculpture gets me hot, an actual greek or roman, as of yet, has not.

which brings me to a tall girl thing also discussed tonight... I get guff for having the Webster's Rule (or Offering Plan Requirement as they call it at work) but I know way more short chicks than tall chicks who are unyielding about this. WTF? I am damned near 6 foot tall. I want to feel harbored & protected in a man's arms, like any chick. thus: he must be bigger than ME. If I outsize a dude in breadth of leg & shoulder I feel like Godzilla. this is not a good feeling (for me). I do not want to loom above a dude and feel like I am bringing ruin to a small town of smart yet (formerly) disadvantaged folks. Not Cool. it also goes the other way. I do not want some pint of a dude on top of me doing acrobatics, my body is not a gymnasium & my feet get cold during & especially after the performance. that is butt. I want an equal to or better than partner to tangle with & I think that's reasonable & it pisses me off that I get shit for being all tall & discerning while these little Mighty Mouse broads don't even bother do a guy under 6'4". really? I'm elitist? fuck off.

interesting...

2008-05-11T02:37:00.002-04:00

to me that guys think they can just 'hit up' a bit of pussy. granted, I have been known to do the nasty on a whim but it tends to be with someone I've already done the nasty with & knowing I will find what I seek. I'm sure there are plenty of MQ's out there who give it up for some sort of sick self affirmation but I ain't that tree, bark elsewhere.

Today, got a text & invite to sup with a dude I like very much, as a friend. PM wanted to connect around 8 or 9, I said 'cool' & carried on about my day. went to work, walked dogs, worked some more, met friends at bowling alley, 8pm rolled around, 9pm passed, dinner was mentioned, & I went. NO PM. no worry, this dude is just a friend as far as I'm concerned, & I knew he would understand if I grabbed a bite, just as I understood that he hadn't called. 10:45, the chicks I ate with were wearing my last nerve, I absconded to Larry Lawrence (not my choice bar) to connect with TX peeps & chill. Finally, PM texted & eventually showed near 11:15. At this point, I was having a very cool time with my friends & in no hurry to go anywhere but home.

Upon PM's insistence that he wanted to catch up I agreed to venture down the block & have a beer at a quieter venue. it was, in a word: DULL. guy had nothing. NO THING to talk about. he did order a large portion of saki (I'm not a fan) and I started checking the clock. after a couple glasses I emitted, "dude, two dogs to walk, shit storm, gotta go." whereupon I paid & we left. as we walked down the street he started getting close which prompted me to ask, "how are you getting home?" his reply? "I dunno, guess it depends on if I'm going to my house or yours." WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

word to all guys: if you ask a chick out, be close to, or on time, especially if you want the goods. if you can't be on time & she is having fun with her friends, (despite your lateness), don't drag her away from said friends. if you must drag poor woman into your own, more comfortable, self-land, have some material ready- a good story or funny anecdote or three. additionally, don't try to get the target chick drunk on booze she doesn't like & if/when she pays to escape: SAVE YOURSELF the humiliation of ABSOLUTELY NOT, GO HOME & graciously bid her goodnight. All these rules apply ten-fold if you have not yet had the opportunity to prove your worthiness in the sack.

all I can think is: what are you thinking? interesting planet he must be from...

next text from PM I cannot answer. pathetic & worse than dinner with annoying girls.

new year girls

2008-05-08T19:53:00.002-04:00

2008 So Far, so good.

i AM NOT japanese!

2008-05-03T01:31:00.009-04:00

so, as we all know, I love the asians. don't know why, just do- maybe cause they're so cuuuute! (for those of you who don't know, that's pronounced que-eeewt, perhaps like elmer fudd might say it, or an asian, or a frenchman from the far away isle of reunion, or even an italian named mimo.) there's that whole bunny thing too.

so anyway, I do a fair amount of business with the japanese & generally find that they are exactly on point the majority of the time. however, I get frustrated with them- they always ask 100,000 questions, which are usually relevant except- it is their due diligence to know the answers BEFORE they call. I tend to get a little snarky, they tend to stay nice, ask more silly questions, then I cover the phone, roll my eyes, kick our assistant, stick my tongue out & pant like a dog whilst making more asshole expressions. yes, it's true & no, I'm not proud.

I performed this little act just yesterday & after endless silly questions agreed to meet Hideko & her client at a property. as usually happens with her 'type', she was early, very gracious & submissive. I gave my spiel, was charmed by Hideko's graciousness & left thinking: why am I such an outspoken, over-expecting, american ass? hmmm...

I thought about the asian ghost stories I used to watch on laser disc (remember those?), the kerropi frog I once collected, & an older acquaintance named Maska who mistook austin's raccoons for tenuki & absconded to the hilton for months, leaving her gorgeous new house & equally gorgeous new husband behind. (it's told that there were many patient visits to the natural science center to teach her the difference between a raccoon & badger.) then I got to thinking about the weeks my brother spent in japan, towering over the indigenous people, pale as a ghost in every way, & speaking none of the language. yet he was embraced- shown many paths, shared countless courtesy dinners full of gesture, & was invited into many homes for a good night's sleep all by caring strangers. I realized that much of what I like about the asians, or japanese actually, is their regard for each other & surroundings.

If I walked up to a japanese person, in japan, with a dumb AMERICAN question they would stop everything & answer me; even if they were late for work, they would probably walk me to the right subway, restaurant, hotel, etc... they are just fucking kind & patient. I need to take a lesson from that. that is civilized & very noble. I bow, arigato.

this experience also got me to thinking about one I let go. then I went about my work day being a bustling, mouthy american & went to play softball in central park. we won, 3rd time & remain undefeated. nice. after, I went to the bar with my compadres, had a beer or three, enjoyed as much of the unpopular-in-new-york Cardinals game as I could till the channel was changed, had some wings, veggie dip, then got a text: "waht u doing?" I think: hello Japan! then I think: wtf? is this weird karma? this is one I let go, he has a chick, why now, today? I text back: " having happy beer." Now, mind you- this person & I have been very good friends for a long time & as much as I'm thinking he's with the wrong chick, I'm NOT thinking about picking things up where we left off; I just think: he never calls unless it's important.

A few texts later we agree to meet. tonight. on the way I thought about our first "date" after years of friendship. it was a non-event other than when my food arrived he looked at my plate with genuine enthusiasm & said: "aaah, it wook like bootyfull flowah." I almost lost it, could barely keep from busting out a real redneck guffaw, but I LOVED that moment- it was priceless & so much embodied what I love about his culture. so, as I rode to meet him tonight I thought about that moment, our years of friendship, & how remiss I was to let such a good one go- I again wondered: why is he calling me now?

we met, it was great to see him, super natural. we talked about the regular stuff friends cover after not seeing each other for a while & then I inquired about his missus, only to find that for several months there has been none. uh-oh. I couldn't help but clam up like, well, a clam. here, after all this time of friendship, a few weeks of very proper dating, followed by continued friendship, I froze like a fucking deer in headlights. the OFF switch went ON.

what is my problem? here is opportunity- literally calling me! and I crumble. WTF? this guy is good looking, tall, (for an asian. insert joke here), well educated, doesn't need a green card, likes stuff I like, and loads more excellent stuff but I fucking lose my smooth.

needless to say, I am home, mostly alone (save two dogs & a cat), and blogging. boo. so I ask you: am I too happy being single or just afraid of success?

had a minor freak-out & a short story:

2008-05-01T00:35:00.004-04:00

I'm ashamed to admit that 1.5 weeks ago I decided I couldn't stand the sheets I've been living with for the past 10+ years & chucked them all save one clean set. I enrobed my bed in this set of fresh sheets with the good intention of forcing myself to buy more. well, we all know that good intentions pave the road to hell, right? they do, trust me.

anyway, I had a minor freak-out yesterday. after living with this now not so crisp set of sheets for 1.5 weeks & upon finding myself in The City for a seminar near TJ Maxx, I left said seminar early & busted the budget on linens. I went nuts: two (only) sets of very high thread count sheets, new mattress pad, bed skirt, four down pillows, the works. Very happy girl. yet, I still have one problem: they must be washed before I can anoint them with my naked self!

I swore yesterday that when the maid came today I would gather up my laundry & new sheets to the lavanderia for wash. I did meet the house keeper & gather up my sundries but work & two dogs impeded my plan to launder. One more night on the old linens & I believe I am 'busy' for half the day tomorrow to allow for good wash.

The SHORT Story: it has been brought to my attention that I have a very pedestrian & boring blog as of late. requests have been made for me to share past events along with, or rather than, current. (ps- I think we all had more exciting lives when we were younger.) So, here is one:

I was one of the first people I know to have internet in the home. I had a pretty good job as a drive-thru bank teller, my partner was wealthy & had nothing better to do than collect rent, smoke pot, deliver miscellaneous packages (sometimes including body parts with exp. dates), and play house. he decided that we, actually he, needed the internet.

I had once been a bartender, stayed up for (& won) many a late night poker game with names like Big Bitch (high hand/ low hand split, middles match the pot) & had also won a few dinner coupons, tool belts, etc. playing craps. Sooo, at this hum-drum-bank-teller stage of life & at the advent of internet in my home, I found myself fascinated by Las Vegas, Nevada. Fred said: "GO!"

I planned a trip for us, to take in the souped-up 5.0 & off we went! Fred & I traveled across the western half of America over 100 mph & via internet hotel reservations, wondering every time if they would really be ready for us when we arrived. mostly they were & we were not ready for them. I cannot tell you how many times we pulled up to a place that purported to have a lovely pool or fine linens only to find a cesspool of algae & the hairs of previous tenants in our bed. Yikes! half way through, my hopes for Vegas were not high. admittedly, we saw amazing stuff upon the way- space pods, canyons, meteor craters, architecture, moose, you name it: we absorbed.

At one point, toward the end, Fred asked me to take the wheel. It was late at night & I don't see so great so I was hesitant yet he insisted. THANK YOU FRED- I will never forget struggling to see through an hour of mountain pass only to come out & see Vegas laid out in front of me like the biggest play land I could ever imagine. I don't have any idea how many paces I put that car WE worked so hard to build through but I do know we made it into Vegas in much less than an hour & I reveled in every single moment.

Upon arrival in LV we checked into the Gold Nugget Hotel on Freemont Street, the old strip. We planned to spend 3 nights in Vegas but Gold Nugget could only take us for two. No matter, we enjoyed the old strip, won many games at the Horse Shoe & especially Four Queens, found $2 surf & turf at Maxim's to be delightful, as well as nickel slots, then moved on to MGM Grand for night three.

Just so happened that Freddy's closest sister lived in LA & cheap tickets abounded so she flew to LV to meet us. She also brought her amour. In the midst of attempting to unite with family we lost track of time & didn't check in till after 9. MGM had just opened, not fully, but some. Fred left me to check in for us whilst he attempted to track down Mel and Dan while dealing with the car. Las Vegas is a funny place- hotels guarantee you reservations, but not necessarily at their hotel. I finally got up to the desk & was told MGM was full, they tried to switch us to a much lesser place at the same price. I was just fresh enough (in my Kerropi frog shirt) to call the desk guy on it, explained my whole internet fantasy & road trip, family visiting, etc & he relented. I can't remember what floor the room he gave us was on but it was certainly at the top. He also informed me that Mel & Dan had to check in, despite our room being a two bedroom suite. 'No prob' I assured him. Fred met up with me in the lobby as I headed to the elevator & desk guy shouted out: "you'd better have a great time with 'frog girl' up there!"

Indeed we did have a good time. At that time Fred & I rented a 1000sf 2br/1bth house on almost a half acre in podunk Austin- this place was like Mecca! at MGM we had two HUGE bedrooms, three bathrooms (with Chanel bath products), a fully stocked bar, pool table, home theatre, king sized beds, LV views from 3 sides, king sized beds & a doorman popping champagne! we were in absolute heaven. Melanie & Dan finally caught up, real proud that they were actors & got into the fully booked hotel without reservation & that they had passes to the new club at RIO. We went to dinner, courtesy of a friend, went to the club & begged off early to enjoy our spoils.

AND... the end.

On a side note:

2008-04-26T03:13:00.001-04:00

Amy Winehouse's hair-doo is very much like the FLDS ladies, is it not?

Also, there is a black chick in a subway poster ad that looks just like Anjelica Huston when she promoted the Adams' Family. Will get back to you on that.

my dog is getting schooled.

2008-04-26T01:59:00.003-04:00

So, haven't gotten any really good pics yet, but I am fostering a young, male dog that is rapidly coming out of his shell. He accepts my dominance gladly but is really testing the will of my dog. I'm kinda glad, it's good for her. Humble is a noble trait. This dog, so far, has been pretty cool but I can tell that I'm gunna have to keep an eye on him. He hasn't been fixed yet & his alpha is definitely coming out.

The first night was painful... I picked this dog up around 9:30, took him to a friends place (thank god for passover on this week) who has a back yard & dog current on it's shots & let them play till they couldn't stand anymore. literally. then I took him home, introductions were short, I forced him in a crate then relentless whining, barking, yowling to no end ensued. What could I do but lay in my bed and accept the noise? If I gave a twitch of compassion it just would have encouraged the bad behavior. Didn't get much sleep.

Day one together was better. let him out of the crate at a rare moment of silence & went for a pee. he barely squirted & refused to do more. back to the crate he went, more noise, I showered, my dog got confused. when he was again silent (and I dressed) we walked to work. didn't take the two dogs long to work out a rhythm & new guy got the gist that the opportunity to pee isn't to be taken lightly. (I don't allow stopping at every vertical object on a walk) we visited the dog park where both animals just stared at each other, then me. boring as hell- I hoped to see some good dog pecking order action. Anyway, we had a full day & when night two fell, new guy had to be forced into the crate again. hooooowwliing! ensued then I got the not so brilliant idea to cover him, much like a bird. it worked, thanks so much, & almost got a full nights sleep.

This morning we made progress- he had a silent moment en-crate, & performed a half-ass sit to earn freedom. He went for a sip of water & lined up at the door for harnessing. not too shabby for morning two. immediate pee once outside, a long one. I rewarded both dogs with a walk & returned home to clean myself up. new dog had to be forced in crate but no noise this time. BIG progress. we enjoyed another full day at the office, visited friends, a bowling alley, met other dogs & went home. new dog still had to be forced into the crate when I went out & made a bit of noise, not much. upon my return new dog was quiet & fully sat (quickly) to earn freedom. we went for immediate pee & again, he seems to get that you gotta do it while the gettin's good. I let the dogs romp around the living room where he totally schooled my dog. it was cool to see her acquiesce, she needs it, & for just about the first time ever, she came & sat underneath me, begging to get pet. it's my fault that she is so independent, I thought I was doing a good thing teaching her that way. I was, in ways, but I realize, when I see her interact with people, that she is unrelaxed being very close. she has no idea where she fits except to not get too close. I'm very thankful for this opportunity to embrace her coming to me & hope to be a better leader & protector to her from now on.

anyway, tonight new dog mostly willingly entered the crate & hasn't made a peep at all. this is an interesting experience for the three of us & I know we will all come out better for it.

Now I gotta go to bed, I've got two dogs to wear out before the Mets game at 1.

Peace.

"I don't know exactly where I am."

2008-04-24T01:38:00.006-04:00

wheelieman 2008 jersey modeled by The Wheelie Man.

the scene after 2nd annual wheelieman ride.

so, many of you know I got a call monday the 12th which resulted in a last minute ticket to Austin, TX on the thursday following. the call from ARP extended an invite to camp with many friends, new & old, and the promise of a bicycle if I thought I could pull off a 30 mile bike ride. how could I refuse? I went for it.

(this is my journal, deal with the monotony Retott) ARP picked Beans & me up at the airport & went to work, I spent a lovely couple of hours with my step dad joyously basking in the Texas sun & drinking some sort of pre-tomatoed beer product by budweiser. (I liked it) Then it was time to meet folks for dinner & off to bed for an early start. It rained and thundered like the heavens were falling from the sky all night.

We managed to get our act together around 2pm, packed up the car & dogs, then foraged for food & beverage at the lovely Central Market. We finally hit camp around 5:30 & were early enough to secure an amazing spot for our hotel sized tent. Before unloading we set up a camera to take pics every 60 secs or so which resulted in many of photos of dogs doing nothing, a few cars arriving, and ARP bending over A LOT. (what's up with that?) It was the best. We had damned near 50 peeps in three clusters of tents- it was fun to cruise the settlements tasting food, sharing beverage, and talking shit about who had the biggest fire. Dogs & kids were everywhere.

Saturday morning all rose crusty eyed & shared a communal breakfast, none of us really had our act together but somehow between us we had all that was desired. everyone came out of their slumberous state pretty quick in anticipation of the ride, there was definitely an electric air about the grounds. by 9:45 it was go time.

what a perfect morning, no storms in sight, just gorgeous blue sky. apprx 28 of us embarked up a gravely hill, onto a cement hill & in less than 10 minutes we had 1 rider down. flat tire. at the mouth of the park we reviewed our route, took our last sips of gatorade & made nice with the sag wagon folks. I was feeling fine. we continued past fields of longhorns & bluebonnets, so picturesque & lost another guy due to work. 6 miles later we stopped for regrouping at a pretty little church where a coupla more riders who just didn't have the heart decided to turn back. we scarfed icy orange segments & bananas. yum. my water bottle holder had broken & I had been riding with my juice in the seat of my pants. I reluctantly retired it to the sag wagon. this made me nervous cause I believe in constant hydration & didn't wanna be last trying to stay close to my bottle. onward. onward for what I thought would be 9 miles. we rode through low water crossings, more cows, more flowers, up hills, down hills, past enticing springs & finally ended up at our final destination: dead man's hole. we thought there would be water & had all looked forward to swimming there. nope! just a 155 foot deep hole that was sealed off & shaded by an old live oak tree that onetime served as the lynch pole. nice. we scarfed more fruit & nuts, tapped a much welcomed keg of local lager, & posed for portraits with our bikes. most peeps also imbibed a very stinky smoke break. fun. then back. ouch. there were times, going up long hills, that I put my head down & roared, damning the headwinds to hell. I saw buzzards knawing road-kill & vowed to not be their next meal. when shit got tough I thought about sex or gave myself a one-two pedal cadence to keep up with. For the majority of the return trip I rode alone, at my own pace, challenging my own will. I passed a few peeps with gears & kept on going till I came to a crossroads & wasn't sure where to go. I saw one guy go left about a quarter mile ahead but it just didn't seem right so I stopped & rested till the wagon & saggers caught up. I was right, that dude took a no-good turn. I was happy for the break & after getting direction, bolted off to the front of the slow pack. I put some hard miles in & finally caught up with ARP, chillin' on the side of the road, near done. (bastard had gears- wtf?) we decided that we would tag the rest of the way & stop off at Krause Springs where the pack leaders had said they would be taking a cool dip & would front $$ for entry. We made fair time & when we reached it, took the half-mile sandy road to Krause. No one there, us no cash, no choice but to turn back. fuck & hot & thirsty. Luckily, ARP had enough water left in his camel-back to share, I was parched. We slowed our pace & made it back to camp, FINALLY. after a quick dip in the lake we learned that the 30 miles had been estimated via highway map- a mileage meter on Marilyn's bike actually recorded 36 miles. JEEEESUS. I have never done a ride like that before & probably wouldn't have chosen to do it on a beach cruiser had I known. But, I'm glad I did & I absolutely plan to do it again.

The motto of the trip? Last year a kid got lost in the woods and called out: "I don't know exactly where I am." I swear, I didn't know, the whole time. thank goodness.

After additional baking in the sun & swimming it was time for a hearty meal. In our camp we were blessed to have many foodies & a wine distributor. He set up a full bar & table of the loveliest grape juice ever. There was also an excess of perfectly cooked steaks which culminated in a buffet of choice red meat for the taking. what an amazing meal. we drank & laughed around huge fires, it was a blast & strangers became fast friends. I loved it but turned in early, knowing that ARP had to work in the AM & we would leave camp as the sun arose. it made me sad to say goodnight; I could have been there forever with the moon hanging over the lake & the stars winking at us as we bonded over the journey of the day. Too sweet.

we did pack it up very early sunday. it was fine, all the squawking birds inspired me to rise, no problem. Once in the city ARP went to work, I unloaded the truck & went to surprise my mom at brunch. my step dad & I planned this friday & it was awesome. my mom walked into the place I worked for YEARS & had no clue. she looked right at me, turned away, looked again, turned away, then looked and shrieked like a banshee. it was the best. my brother & I have always loved to fuck with her. it was really good to see her. I spent the afternoon washing our dogs & clothes at my parents place, bonding with mom, then picked ARP up from work & went for vietnamese.

Before I knew it, it was time to get on a plane again, journey home. ARP & I had decided that Beans has probably accrued a free ride worth of miles & I was exhausted enough to try the theory. I checked in (dog in bag) and went though security, no prob. I enjoyed coffee & got on plane, no prob. We laid over in Dallas, went for a walk, had breakfast, no prob. back into airport, (dog out), & back into plane. not one time did anyone question the dog. she flew for free & I saved $80. nice way to end the trip.

now: to bed. tomorrow: post about my foster child. enjoy the pics, I will post portrait from ride when I get it.

i'm drunk & my ex & i are idiots.

2008-04-13T02:11:00.002-04:00

doesn't the title say it all? yes, if you love something, let it go. but not too far, because it/she/he will find another to entertain. love is hard, companionship is hard, but worth it. like anything- there's maintenance. at some point you have to throw the obstinate towel in & go for it. what is to lose but the possibility of having a friend during hard times & happiness with another? like i said: i'm drunk. happy companionship is a big thing to gamble.

Rock Stars

2008-04-11T00:30:00.002-04:00

we won today- first game of the season & we killed a team that beat another 22-3 a few days ago. nice. we employ rookies, everyone gets to play, no assholes allowed. we went to a great dive bar after & had many fine Buds and some shots of very nice tequila. some people got wasted & wouldn't answer the phone calls of their mates, then one ended up holding the other's hair in the bathroom for a friendly puke session. rich. a few absconded during the madness then the bill came- $400 freaking dollars. coach & I somehow ended up with our own tab which left two peeps at the table holding a sizable bill. then the two drunks returned from the bathroom saying they thought it would be on the company & gazed into each others' blurry eyes. can't wait to see how this works out.

In other news- I'm finding it very hard to focus on work with the lovely weather. I just want to grab my bike, throw my dog in the basket & cruise. Spring in NYC is definitely something to behold. I wonder though- would I appreciate it as much without suffering through the winter?

Today.

2008-04-09T23:39:00.003-04:00

Last night, before bed, I looked out my window & wondered when the trees would go green. It was cold & windy, like an industrial ghostland & filled with the lights of the city watching over, keeping nature at bay. When I woke up this morning & looked out, the two cherry trees in view had bloomed- they weren't green, but they weren't skeletons of themselves anymore either. The little spots of color gave me tinges of contentment & happiness to be alive for another spring.

I'm glad that this time of freshness is here, it's a much needed break from the unyielding cold & grayness that owns the city during winter. It's almost time for my annual stroll down Graham Avenue to see the cherry trees. I like to go just after they peak & start to litter the earth with their little white petals. It's like a sweet blanket of snow sending the message that you can put your jacket away for a few months. Cant wait.

Softball at dusk while Central Park is in full bloom doesn't suck either.

softball tomorrow

2008-04-06T02:57:00.002-04:00

the season is upon us & the weather seems to be breaking too! thank goodness, don't know how many more dark days I can handle. playing for two very different teams, 3 actually. one I am catcher & supposed GM of (aka beggar for money), in the other two I play catcher/pitcher & enjoy directing the team. Funny, in the GM league which is purported to be fun, I am given no regard. In the corporate league that is supposed to be hyper-competitive I am treated with quite a bit of regard. We win more in corporate. maybe it's the competition, maybe its just that people trust each other to get the job done, who knows. I like to win & I'm not so much for bad, controlling attitudes either. It's a game, right? I'm out to have fun. Wish peeps could lighten up. That being said, I secretly wish (not so secretly now) that my ex & I were on the corporate league together. we'd crush everyone. oh well.

the time is 10:43

2008-04-03T22:44:00.005-04:00

just got off the phone with a friend experiencing divorce & it looks to be getting ugly. she wants me to swing by the southside & say hello to the new diggs, don't know that I've got it in me. the morale support is there though.

I've been cleaning up my act & yet again, paring down. as stated last post, the stellar roommate is moving on for love. I'm a touch envious but continue to console myself that I will find my own love in time. for now it's me, the dog, the abyss, and possibly, a cat. why are people so hard on each other here? in plain speak: it ain't right.

here's a couple pics from the wedding attended last month. be cautious of the guy in grey, he tends to carry a gun. (it doesn't feel so good up the nose from what I remember.)

**note: I tried uploading pics but the files are no good. get back to you on that.

herro!

2008-04-01T21:22:00.004-04:00

I should be working on the last of my taxes or at softball practice but for the moment I'm skipping both. not tons of stuff happening in my world lately, hence no blogging. those of you that need to know, do. trip to Texas rocked, H3 was hilarious, friends are good. work is in a funny place, think buyers, sellers, and agents alike are putting life on hold until the tax man is paid. love life is pretty hum-drum, as usual, but I suppose that has the potential to change at any moment. listening to a really nice cd that was passed my way a couple weeks ago: the detroit experiment. I like it- sorta jazz, very techno, soothing but also seems like I should be under the influence of too much vodka, a touch of x, and making out on a dance floor somewhere. I've been dancing a few times lately, techno a coupla times but mostly pretty traditional swing & country. even danced a jig of sorts with some guy off the boat from Ireland at a birthday party recently. I'm not sure if my feet ever hit the floor, seemed like I was suspended in the air turning circles all the minutes we tangled. (not that way.) I started keeping a scrapbook of stuff I do. more like a scrap bag. I was getting too redundant too redundant with the blogging. I like to keep a diary of moments but it was getting so literal. too literal. besides, my life just isn't that exciting (thankfully) to share every day.

I don't think I can have a cat anymore. I just can't stand anything about it. it's been a pain in the ass like no-body's business lately- despite daily brushings & litter picking & journeys onto the balcony. I can't get a night's rest anymore cause of the cat & it's making me edgy. I've been really good about not drinking & not smoking (except on my short weekends) & granted- laying off the vices can be stressful but the cat wasn't doing this shit a coupla weeks ago. that or I was wasted enough to ignore it. I don't wanna live life numb & I just can't stand the picking & scratching & hair & cattitude that is rearing it's ugly head right now. someone take this animal, please. perhaps I can pawn it of on my roommate when she moves. (end of this month) I need a time-out from cat parenthood.

that being said, I'm remarkably content & I suppose if the cat is my worst problem, I'm doing okay.

food for thought:

2008-03-20T12:09:00.004-04:00

I walked into a "family business" today. Instead of the usual two clowns jockeying their desks, there were two new guys. I asked where the usual guys were & was told: "X will be back in an hour, XX is in the field." What does that mean? Anything, nothing?

Also, yesterday my car acts up so take it into the shop. I get into my office late & am talking to my assistant about it. His response: "too bad you didn't get a flat." Why? I ask? he points at my midriff & says: "because you have a spare." ouch!

food for thought:

2008-03-20T12:09:00.001-04:00

life is weird.

2008-03-18T00:32:00.002-04:00

how is it that I grew up where I did & saw what I saw? how is it that it's still happening? I never questioned it, just let it be. still do I guess. although I'm admittedly a little confused about where home is these days.

met a dude en-route to A-town that will assist my passage back. nice, good connection, definite business potential. ran into all sortsa motley characters from days past & realized: A-town has been a good place to me & others too. Pinkus, Dana, the Shoo: big or small, it just lets us be. it's a fucking gift. I had a great trip, can't be put into words.

on the way home & just about the time I turned to look my horse in the mouth, I met another person who widened my horizon & actually followed up. crazy. I am a loner of sorts, yet... I know so many peeps & am lucky to have such connections & inspirations, if you will.

once home I received an invite to dinner with close friends & their folks. I accepted, ate like a king & enjoyed the best of company, realizing that maybe the Rut is my home but I am somehow blessed in just about every damn place I wind up. Truly fucking lucky to know such interesting & good peeps. Friends for life, any time, any where.

today, my exercise (sp?) buddy calls: "are you back?" me: "yeah, I'm back, don't know for how long- I fell in love with the Velvet Rut all over again." Him: "cool, glad you're back. I got that grammy & quit drinkin, meet me on your bike." Me: "no shit?? (googling grammy awards to make sure) congrats on the not drinking, maybe now you won't be such a pain in the butt-oh, & I will kick your ass over the bridge!!"

How great is that? Why do I know these weird folks? All of 'em.

Beats me, lucky I guess.

I'm Back Muttha Fukkas!

2008-03-16T00:51:00.001-04:00

Texas rules, coyote and all. hummers, pigs, dudes, I love it. George Jones is oldE. more tomorrow.

atlas or david + death and sofa = quiet life

2008-03-03T23:48:00.007-05:00

pretty nice. not a lot going on in my world. boring but a relief too. traveling home to Texas thursday. (july will be 8 years in this city but somehow nyc is still not home.) going south for a wedding. as irregular as I may seem, regularity makes me tick. the girl getting married & I have been close friends since the 5th grade. sure, there have often been times and years where we did not relate but our relationship has always been important enough to both of us to work through. MRB is a tough cookie & has not often been able to commit to care. she has been dating this guy TW for twelve years & I'm elated to see them wed. finally, TW has cracked the hardest & decidedly sweet (despite her best efforts) little nut. very good union & I'm very honored to be invited.

was asked by my dog's doctor to become involved with a breed specific rescue group & I'm gunna check it out, & they me, tomorrow. don't want or think I need more responsibility but if I can haul a little dog to a safer home, vet appointment, or even provide shelter for two weeks, so be it. it may be cheesey, but in my time of need a helping hand was there, & since I'm not qualified, or stable enough, to be much more than a baby-sitter to humans, I may as well assist a stray dog or two.

in other news... I've taken advantage of my free time & new crush (aka bicycle) as often as possible lately & am finding a new awakening of my old self: art. weird, right? while peddling around this sometimes lovely city I've absorbed many a scene & newscast. later I find myself laying in bed digesting all that my ears, brain, and sometimes an eye, have seen. can any sense be made of it? this place is definitely inspiring.

currently I am collecting cigarette packs for a mini piece that I hope to later make in a squashed perspective of life-size. I have also laid plans to connect with my father, CPM, to source the much talked about bee project. hopefully he will be willing to provide some sources & insight on the rank & culture of hives. the third project is still in development- a green statement of sorts, but more about consuming & shitting & the general over-fed state of product we live in. lastly, I ordered a new sofa cover today; it's white: virgin, ready to be soiled & soil it we will! ideally, my roommate & I will pick a theme & color scheme then host a small decorative party. each person will be given a segment & supplies to make their mark upon our couch. I think this is the project that I'm most immeadiately excited about (yes, I've been told there is no 'a' in that word but the whole mead thing is a marker for me) and I can't wait to enjoy the banter, expression, & new friends that come with this project.

must admit: my inspiration to actually do these things has come from bad things happening to other people & occasionally me, the reality that when I do not work on myself I tend to work on others & not in a nice way, & the love & knowledge gained from others when I have actually shut my mouth & opened my ears.

I will give props to the family legacy of art for enabling me to know that nothing is lost by letting it out. except sanity. let's see how far I get.

all I have to say is:

2008-02-25T22:44:00.003-05:00

a break from taxes & seriousness

2008-02-21T23:54:00.003-05:00

last night's blathering blog helped me clear my head, thanks for suffering through. work today was good, buyers are still buying & it only took me 45 minutes to process & package today's deal sheets.

we laugh shit loads at the office & I'm fortunate to work with such intelligent, capable, and good spirited people. not to mention that work is dog friendly, blue jeans are acceptable, and WE GOT A PING-PONG TABLE!!! Should be set up tomorrow, we are having a party to break it in.

It's been years since I played regularly- think it was 1989, at Job Corps in Albuquerque, NM. I played almost every evening & was not bad after a while. When I played, the other kids called me White Lightning, the Ghost with the Most, all sorts of silly crap. (I was one of only six white folks on campus.) Too many people got knifed over dominoes or I woulda picked that up too. What a crazy place that was, yet it was sooo good for me. Albuquerque is also the first place I can really remember snow. I ran around campus like a wild animal till curfew, in my blue hair, blue boots, and wearing every stitch of clothing I owned to stay warm. Everyone else was inside, occasionally someone would yell something out a dorm window about white chicks being crazy but I didn't give a shit- I'd just yell back: "fuck you, cracker!"; that being the big joke on campus- I got called "Black" or "Nigga" and in return called everyone "Cracker" and every other creative derogatory word for white my tiny blue brain could come up with. good times. Anyway, looking forward to ping-pong.

I wanted to post a pilot some friends made & requested be spread around, but I realized in the middle of the up-load that I should ask first- what if it's been bought?? It's cute, a bunch of mentally & physically challenged peeps who have a news show & run around interviewing people. It warms my heart & reminds me of my cousin, Ben, who despite a very intense case of Down Syndrome, is truly one of the funniest & happiest humans I have ever met. The guy can certainly deliver a joke like no-one's business, impeccable timing. Brilliant, really. Check back soon for "How's Your News?"

That's it, still catching up on my taxes, vowing to never fall behind again. also trying to learn quicken, the manual is hundreds of pages long & I think I should be getting honorary college credit or a tax break or something if I actually learn the program.

OH! Stop reading now if you don't like hearing about dreams... I had a weird one last night. I was in some small town, my current age, & living with my mom & step dad. They went away on vacation or something & left me with their new son, my 6 month old half brother. It was so strange knowing that that little person was my brother & I felt such duty toward him but all he did was shit on me, literally. explosive baby doos everywhere! I had racks & racks of clothing in my room, sorta slutty & very glittery stuff, but decent whore-goes-to-office-job kinda clothes. I would have the baby in my arms (a real fatty, this one) and would be picking out the just-right sequined outfit then: BLAMMO! Poop splattered over a rack of clothes, poop runneth over my arm, in my bangs (yes, bangs in this dream), poop just everywhere. I would go through rack after rack this way & finally pick out clothes least violated by poop. then I would put the kid in a car seat on the bathroom floor, scrub the stains from my clothes in the sink & bird bath myself. After, I would feed the kid whirled peas or something (still in car seat) and head to the bus-stop, shit machine in tow, wondering how the hell our mom did it & how the hell are my parents gunna clean up the house when they get home? Someone on the bus would always take lil' brother. don't know who, the ride was a blur each time. I would alight from the bus just outside some security gate near tennis courts. Every day the same cocky, good looking in a redneck way, sheriff guy would swagger over to me, talk some, & offer me a ride the rest of the way. I would always accept rather that walk in my mini & 4" heels. We'd pile in his truck, he'd get to askin' questions, & I would answer honestly. Each time he'd pull over at the backside of the courts & say: "well, I was gunna give you a ride, but I still don't like your answers." I would hop out of his truck, bummed cause I wanted him to ask me out, and scamper to the office on a shortcut through the brush & down a hill. I would sit all day at a type writer in a college lecture type room, listening to gossip, answering a phone, & typing page after page, hour after hour. When work was done I would race back up the hill to the gate looking for this guy & every day they would tell me he was gone for the night. I'd ask if he left a message, they'd say: nope, try again tomorrow. I would walk out the gate, tiny black vinyl purse with long strap dragging behind me & wait for the bus. I don't really know how I got home, got the kid back, or anything else, I would just magically be back home, another day beginning, and more turds all over. the house definitely got worse every day & every morning I would be surprised anew that the sheriff guy swaggered up. I'd be sure he was gunna ask me out, then disappointed to be let off. Then I'd work all day, run up the hill, weeds sticking in my hair, thistles scratching my legs, the works, only to be hurt again to find that he'd gone all over again. This went on till my dog & cat jumped in the bed, waking me up. Not sure what it means but am welcome to insight.

Did anyone watch the eclipse last night? It was really something.

itsbeenalongdayattheoffice

2008-02-20T23:49:00.006-05:00

sheesh! must say, I work my not so little butt off. Tonight till after 8 showing condos, hopefully it will be worth it. I was recently honored with an invite to a real estate conference in New Orleans where they would like to honor two of my teammates & I for being in the top 100 sales groups in the company umbrella. quite an honor as there are over 4,000 groups like ours across the US. Not to mention that there are more than 3 of us in the group. it's nice to be singled out for a change. don't know if I will attend as I've already committed to a wedding the week before & am enjoying being home lately. none the less, I appreciate the recognition & will certainly sport a new foil stamp on my business card to show it.

I've had a hard time focusing at work lately. I'm there every day & busy but it doesn't seem like I'm getting enough done. It took me two hours to put together & send out deal sheets today- that's too long. I've thought about it tonight & wonder if it's just the intensity of doing my taxes or if it's deeper, like that unconscious fear to succeed mentioned in a previous post, or the foreign feeling of all's well. I dunno & only want to look so deep. I do have a real fear of what everyone says about the real estate market being true, although this sentiment has been bandied about at the beginning each year only to work out fine.

perhaps my lack of focus is just overcoming the obstacle of allowing myself to be happy & comfortable again; I like to think so. adjusting to life in NYC has been a hard road & most times these days I find myself with nothing to worry about, no-one with a crisis that needs tending, & time to do stuff I like, besides work. sad to say but it's an odd feeling for all to be okay. don't get me wrong, it's good- I'm coming into my own again & able to be that relaxed, mellow person I was before landing in this city. I'm not upset about it, just in wonderment I guess.

The last coupla months I've found myself thinking about the last 7.5 years & all thats transpired- I can't believe it was me that all that junk happened to. It's like I've been living in an overload of calamity, struggle, & emotion since I arrived here. Now I have a solid job, amazing friends, a bit of time, and lots of comfort.

huh. weird.

I'd also like to share with you that I've become the 34 year old, female version of Mr. Rogers. I live by routine: wake up, put on house shoes, make coffee, sing to cat & dog, do the SSS, walk dog, off to work. Upon returning I walk dog, hang coat, change to house shoes & warm sweater, sing to cat & dog, eat, putz around, sing more, turn on electric blanket, blog, wash face & teeth, then retire with crossword & new yorker. maybe I should be worried about how content I am with this, not work.

Dinner, INCOME TAX, and opinions

2008-02-19T23:41:00.012-05:00

Think I'm on some government blog-searching radar after putting the words "income tax" in my title? I kinda hope so cause I'd like The Man to know how I feel about a few things; in particular, this fucking affirmative action, pro-gay shit.

this morning there was a news story about minorities bitching that NYC cops are still stopping people based on racial profiling. the cops countered that they weren't profiling but stopping peeps based on the description of suspects. MEAN WHILE... the Reverend (insert sarcasm here) Al & his ilk have no problem with college tuition being granted specifically to blacks. Is that not racial profiling? Don't know about anyone else reading this blog, but I grew up kinda poor & was told that there weren't government funds appropriated for kids like me. BUT... if I was a minority it would be a different story. I don't mind so much, luckily I'm a resourceful type & I've managed to make things work anyhow. Probably strengthened me even. I'm just saying... are we racial profiling when we hand out welfare funds? Maybe we should limit the number of non-whites that can collect welfare, sorta like they want to limit how many non-whites can be frisked by cops in a day. Thing is, a shit-load of cops are minorities, have they looked at the ratio of non-whites questioning their like? And, what about latins, asians, pacific islanders, american indians, & countless others?? How about special funds for the poor, yet hot, eastern-european girls not fortunate enough to have the slavery card to pull & end up as whores? Ok, poor example, that's socially acceptable where they come from. You hear me though. what about short people, they deserve a leg-up, right?

THE GAYS. God, if you exist, bless them. a largely confused lot it seems. I dare say though that at least half the confusion is propagated by their own kind. I couldn't give a shit less who you want to screw. okay, if you want to fuck my puppy, or any animal not of your species, it freaks me out. (thanks Ern, I'm scarred for life.) So anyway, here we are in 2008, a half-black dude & a chick running for president, even Castro has called it a game & things are becoming more equal politically & socially every day. I will say that if two folks want to get married, let em. Marriage is tough no matter your sexual orientation & maybe seeing two dudes be sweet to each other & married forever, or two ladies beating it out & divorcing might teach us a thing or two about compromise. Seems to always take a few extremes to find a nice middle-ground. Back to the point: last year the city opened a queers-only high school. I have a problem with this. How do you expect gay kids to function as capable adults or earn the respect of non-gays if you hide them away from the reality of society & other kids? Sure, they will excel in fairy-land, revel in their own extremity be it feminine or masculine, but what happens when high school ends? reality: SMACK! across the face. These kids have to learn that there is more to human identity than sexual orientation. Sure, a few less gay kids will get beat up on the play ground, there are plenty of other oddballs to pick on... BUT, what is frutti-tutti kid's new, strait coworker at the mall or auto shop gunna say & what will their coping mechanism be? How do these "advocates" expect gays to achieve equality in society while demanding special treatment? Oh, and the special run-away shelter discussed on NPR today: a queers-only shelter for teens run by only queers who "understand their pain and confusion". I foresee a spike in sex-crimes in the neighborhood that rears it's ugly head in. I love that gays are generally seen as saints. Hmmm... saints often with a history of abuse themselves.

Look, I know I am being pretty hard-lined but come on. In the paleozoic era do you think a reptile about to be eaten plead for mercy because he needed time to figure out who to have sex with or what color to be? HELL NO! That mother fucker thought: shit, if I'm gunna survive I'd better run & start growing wings! And alas, despite loosing many peers to unfortunate fates, it fucked and worked on wings, then the mesozoic era rolled around & so did birds. The meek that couldn't figure it out started our fossil record.

I guess my point is that I may be a little bit of a jerk but I'm here, so are many others, & the pity card is for losers. Must we keep footing the bill for it?

Dinner tonight was nice & healthy: a cold version of last night's.
Tomorrow: chicken stir fry, marinating as I type.

Phat Ass

2008-02-18T21:34:00.003-05:00

I'm watching Flavor of Love, sorta. The casting was hilarious, I would totally watch it again. But now that all these nasty broads are in a house together it's just a lotta name calling & squawkin. The funny moments aren't worth tolerating the rest of the show at this point. Still, every now & again, I hopefully click back & check in. Nuthin' yet.

What a nice day was today. I'm finally getting off my winter butt & taking some responsibility for my phat ass & getting in shape. I walked instead of driving to run my errands & at brunch I got a side of fruit, instead of ham, with my eggs & bacon. (baby steps y'all) After, I walked to the park with my dog, played fetch, read the paper, & got some vitamin d. Nice!

In effort to carry my good eating habits into the week I went grocery shopping. I managed to sneak pass the cookies okay in the coffee aisle, did not get 3 different kinds of cheeses, pudding, ice cream, root beer, real beer, chocolate bars, chips & salsa, nothing. The two things that I could not walk past were sausage patties & half n half for my coffee. Not too bad I don't think. I will definitely have to pick up some more veggies but that's do-able. always seems like the just sit around the house & get wasted (like me!) when I try to buy em all at once. dinner tonight was lean steak with a tiny bit of gorgonzola & basalmic reduction, roasted brussel sprouts, & a side of pasta with pesto. Yum. I also started to throw together a big greek-style pasta salad for lunches. I spend too much & eat too much at lunch.

Hopefully, my neck will be better in the next day or two so I can hit the gym again. I don't usually have a problem with eating but since I'm trying to seriously reduce my smoking every thing seems to end up in my mouth... and then on my honkey... yikes! Miss Andtheend., would you like to be my gym date again?

I am just not educated enough to get it:

2008-02-17T23:48:00.004-05:00

DEEP TRANCE BEHAVIOR IN POTATOLAND. Potatoland seems like something I could groove on & I don't hate plays, so when asked to attend this piece I curiously accepted. Did not love it. According to the NYT review this is a "vital" art. I dunno about that, coulda passed. I found it to be more of a scattered, loud, & often too bright 62 minute assault of my senses.

My companion however, read all sorts of things into it: that the becoming of learning means you must kill, or let die, your ego to walk in another's shoes. That the root of communication is momentary death of self allowing you abandon your own morality & belief to absorb another's; then, upon returning to self, you are not the same person you were before- you've been to the other side & back, now you have a message to teach & a new sense of self. He likened it to pre-Socratic prose & Perseus slaying Medusa; her head proof & validation of the lesson from the other side for all to behold.

I don't know much about Perseus except that in Clash of The Titans he was a real bad-ass & deserved all the pussy he could get. While I think I can appreciate the ideal of shutting down my often too bold ego to understand another person's point of view (and should probably do so more often) I wasn't able to capture that from this play.

It was BUTT to me. Like I said, I just might not be educated enough to get it.

Schvitzing (sp?) with the singles...

2008-02-15T02:09:00.002-05:00

it's amazing... somehow ugly, nasty, captivating, and sexy all at once. Pool party party on Valentine's Day is really something to behold. I was glad to be a bit out of shape (for the first time ever) cause I think a lot of lovely people's pictures may be on pay-per-view sites tomorrow/ today. I don't like being in tepid water with folks & their fluids yet hula-hooping in fives was quite something. So was being in a pool in February to begin with. Then my ass got grabbed & had to abscond to the hot showers. Followed by steam bath, cold shower, & dry sauna with martini. Verrry relaxing.

Don't think I would schvitz that way again but am glad to have imbibed.

Today was a huge day- up early, dog butt cleansed, Secret Valentine gifted, award ceremony attended, accolades received, Mom's present arrived, actually talked to & related with Mom, (first time in years), laundry done, house cleaned (by me), frozen fried chicken dinner seemed like gourmet meal, cars moved, schvitzing on Valentine's Day accomplished, & dog butt cleansed again. Now time for bed. It been too much & enough.

Hello clean sheets!

another day + 10 & my new crush:

2008-02-14T00:01:00.008-05:00

so, my roommate took off to Buenos Aires today for 11 days. yesterday one of my professional cohorts took off to the same place for 13. yet another buddy is leaving for the grand ole US territory of Puerto Rico tomorrow. Prof Gaudette just returned from Egypt & The Know-All just got back from damn near a month in Thailand! (can't believe I can spell that place even, must be all the chinese in my hood.) when did all my pals become such international explorers? It's great, actually. I'm learning about world culture & geography via wild stories from new perspectives rather than how many hours from Texas & shades of brown. Must be good for me, right?

So, 10 more days of no roommate. What's a girl to do? Well, tomorrow, the big V-Day, perhaps hang with friends in a pool inundated with the latest house music and a bevy of singles. (yes, the hygiene factor is completely freakin' me out) No, really. Tend to my ailing dog who has 10 days of medicine left and... what? what's that? what's that you say? A DATE? Hmmm, I dunno, are you an architect? Oh, yeah? Yeah, you ARE? (to self: jeeeesus H christ...) oh, you're only 11 years older than me & you can't stand architects? GREAT!!! Let's just get dirty and f*-kkkk!

Don't get me wrong, I'm no elitist when it comes to age. BUTT... if you are an architect, dress like a punk, & fly a red bandana in your right-rear pocket, well... we are probably not made for each other. Besides, there's that whole Webster Rule & I've finally realized that there's plenty of time ahead to date guys decades older than me- maybe you should shoot for a short broad around 22. Is that bitchy? Good. I DO have standards.

So anyway, here's a hot shot of my latest crush:

dating, trips, and cold!

2008-02-11T22:45:00.000-05:00

Not a huge fan of the cold though I must admit I am finally warm this winter. For those of you freezing balls right now, I reccomend getting a Canada Goose jacket. I did not freeze anything today & it is worth it.

Why is every guy I meet an architect? Yeah, I work in real-estate but that's not where I'm meeting them. I meet them out at local bars, through friends, and bump into them in bookstores. They tend to be so tightly wound, rigid, if you will, like there's only one way to look at things. They also seem to gravitate to me like I'm some sort of magnet for up-tight. Maybe I'm just polarized all wrong right now. While I appreciate their education, experience, and point of view, I find it difficult to appreciate the idea that there is only one way to skin a goat. Get me? Now, granted, this isn't always true- One of my best friends is an architect & she is remarkably open to other ideas. She is also the first architect I ever had close relations with, so am I just meeting the wrong ones? Is it just the ego of being a male architect & in this city??? Alls I know is that I am not prepared to take on another one. knuff said.

Booked a flight home today. Thanks to the miles I've accrued over damn near 8 years of having to travel home, it only cost me $7.50. Amazing. Not to mention that I am flying home during the prime week of SXSW. Last time I patronized a SXSW gig I ended up married & here 3 months later. Think I might have been avoiding it since. I'm looking forward to it, actually. A good friend is getting married in a state park, my roommate will be there for a day or three, and the weather will be nice.

Gotta love that TX weather. & water too. Guess I will finally have to trim the fantastic bush I have been tending (or not) all winter.

hot-hot-hot

2008-02-11T16:35:00.000-05:00

Don't know if any of you saw this- it's Trace, aka Agent Mule interviewing a Mexican pop star of sorts. Pretty good stuff.
Ranferi

Also, learned a new joke today: how did copper wire get invented? Two Jews were fighting over a penny.

I've had a lot to post about lately but with the weather being so cold I haven't cause it's just too drafty where my computer sits. Time for a laptop I suppose. That's it for now, back to the grindstone.

last post, old post

2008-02-10T00:48:00.000-05:00

so, my last, just published, post was actually written on Feb 7. That was a nice day. Early morning meetings were cancelled, stayed late in bed, drinking coffee, hit the office, hit china town, returned to office, showed a few condos, then bailed on my clients in the middle of no-where. Actually, I just didn't bail, I fulfilled my duty and was ready for alone time. I bid them adieu, and just went, in the middle of no-where.

Somehow, I managed to stumble into a bicycle shop. Go figure. I love bikes. LOVE THEM. Most best thing ever to happen to me is bikes. I will refrain from pontificating too much about them but they are great & so is Davis, CA. So- I find myself in a bike shop with a coupla latins & a china man & I find the bike I didn't know I was looking for. I poked it, rolled it back & forth, had a little fantasy about how great my dog would look in a basket on it, with me in a sun dress, then inquired about a cash deal. A few moments later I found myself riding a very lovely, yet inefficient bicycle home- with an extra heavy basket, of course.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Best purchase of 2008. Yeah, I've got a duo of gold colored rats with a dragon's blessing, a good fortune, and Budda lookin' out for me, but all I need is two wheels. I'd forgotten how basic & happy life with them is. Music? Great, stir my soul. Love? Absolutely. Friends? Must have, without a doubt.

Some how riding a bicycle usurps them all.

HERPY NEW YEAH!!

2008-02-07T22:55:00.000-05:00

ahhh... we all know what a fan of the asians I am, most especially the chinese; thousand year eggs, imitation handbags, msg, fried bird bits, plenty of pork, tiny turtles, communism, karaoke, gambling, & fireworks. How can these people lose? They have it all! Including petroleum prices so low they can't get any!!! (petrol that is) or continue to manufacture plastic bags!

Rumors.

So anyway, being a hard headed ox, I like this whole lunar new year thing & chose to celebrate it today. I cruised into NYC's version of China today around 12:30, was met by a plethora of Snap-Pops & confetti, and a coupla big grinnin' slant eyes. meeee soooo hupppy. Ok, I'm a jerk. Regardless, I almost blended in, had a great time, visited a buddist temple, got my fortune, lit incencse, had lunch, met people, bought gifts, loved dragons, and went back to work. It was so pretty. Really, the whole thing. It was like being welcomed into another land.

overdue rant

2008-02-05T23:45:00.000-05:00

Huh. Phat Tuesday,my last night of drinking for a while- a night that I relish getting a little tooted, reflecting on the beginnings of the year thus far, and doing a touch of blogging...CABLE IS OUT! Sucks ass, almost glad I have a blackberry.

Good friend of mine is opening a motorcycle shop in Red Hook. Passed by there tonight with my pup, ready to help paint but just eneded up being a distraction. Not the only one, mind you. Shop is unbelievable- smack dab on the waterfront, and so cool to watch & hear ships pass in the night. As the boats chugged by with their baratone engines in unassuming low gear, the water would ripple fiercly upon the dock, calling our attention to their passing. At the moment of pique rustle we couldn't help but look & admire; then, almost like they were making a point, the ships would slowly obliterate our view of Lady Liberty and sound their horns. As the drone of their welcoming open seas died down, the vessels would slowly permit Miss Liberty to return to our eyes, kick up the knotts, and carry on with their journeys. Wild and lovely. We silently wished them safe passage & carried on with chatter about the passing of our own.

News of 3 people dead this year- too many. The first, once a good friend, Will, took his own life. I found out in January. I wasn't sure how to react. He was a fixture in my world of sorts, a marker of time and the progression of life. I'm sad we won't franticly catch up the years over hair-doos anymore or laugh together about things to come. Fire in the sky Will, fire in the sky.

The 2nd, Big John, of Colorlife. He really did color life and was such a decent, vibrant, and good man. Also part of my life at Indian Larry's shop, one of the good ones who didn't take the biker bull so seriously. He painted all of our frames and brought humility to the shop. A much needed check for some of the egos running around it. John & I always had a good chuckle at the expense of the oh-so-patched-in posse; he was also one of the only people I kept up with after Larry passed. He died last night, heart attack. What can I say? He was a big man in every way and I guess his heart couldn't keep up with his size anymore. He leaves behind a business partner, glutt of friends, a gorgeous wife, and 3.5 year old son. Yikes. Peace John, I will go to your funeral to pay my respects & might giggle lovingly at the size of your casket. Will it be powder coated?

The last? Little John, tattoo artist. Didn't know him very well, just when he would swoop into IL's shop on a rockstar weekend raising cane and a tattoo gun. Blew his own brains out. Jesus. What was it that was that bad?

Famous words from Larry: Too much is never enough! Live fast, die young I guess. All three of them... Always trying so hard to please the rest of us, guess they neglected themselves? Dunno, too much is more than enough for me.

I voted tonight, did you? I'm registered a Democrat, and have been totally confused about who to vote for. Bellied up to the polls and flipped a nickel (much neglected coin, deserves more respect) to help me choose. I'm currently planted in front of the tube, watching the votes pour in. This has been a damned fine election, I haven't been so interested since the Mondale/Ferarro (sp?) ticket years back. Gotta say: I'm pro-choice & pro-death penalty. No clear winner for me on the Dem ticket & I like that McCain is pulling forward on the GOP side. Not to totally piss you off, but I could vote for that guy. Voted for Bloomberg twice too. What?! Did it. Can also lay claim to voting against Bushit 3 times- YES, 3 friggin times. Guess voting is like recycling- you rarely see the results of your efforts but you do it anyway cause you want the right to bitch & it makes you feel somewhat better as a human. And yeah, you got it: I'm pro killing possibly, (but not probably), innocent peeps and unwanted babies but I sure as hell won't litter. (Anyone else reading into that last statement?) Okay, perhaps I should put some more thought into the hard-line redneck attitude I have about life. Not now though, I've got a few more things to say.
Just a few things. Like: did you ever know anyone that seems afraid to succeed at something? Anything? I'm fucking afraid to succeed at shit. Hell, I'm afraid to admit that I want something half the time, even stoopid stuff, like horchata at brunch. I've been spending a lot of time on my own as of late & its so I can get to know myself, stand up for myself to myself. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm strong, undependent, whatever, but I'm not- I have lived the last few years of my life trying to fit in someone else's mold, to adapt in NYC, this very foreign place that I landed in. Its only been the last few months that I'm becoming comfortable in my own skin here. Some of you may scoff at that but for once in a long time I'm comfortable saying: tough tittie. I am pretty fucking happy & its a touch disconcerting to be so- I honestly don't know what to do with no problems but I'm finally ready to embrace it. To just be. (I think) Yeah, I'm sad about my friends passing, I get lonely sometimes being single but what can I do about it? NADA. Just keep going, be the best person I can be, and enjoy the day I have tomorrow.

ANd...the enD! I'm off to bed to do just that. Thanks for reading.

1,000 thoughts & time for bed

2008-02-04T02:15:00.000-05:00

had a great, last minute party tonight. 20 peeps fit (almost comfortably) in the front room; was nice to see the house full. I'm a bit tooted now & thank you all for coming. best party yet, painting next!

my mom's dumb email & some other junk.

2008-01-24T01:01:00.000-05:00

I am cleaning up my act. late nights, drinking, smokes, pizza rolls, sugar, & processed food down. veggies, low fat proteins, herbal tea, & early bed= up. not super exciting but I like it & I feel mostly good.

Had a big meeting the other day, received the first fruits of my labor today. I'm a little intimidated by all I've taken on- looks like I have XX individual properties on the market right now. shit! X are rentals, one a very cool carriage house. The others are sales: X entry level condos in east WB, another in Bay Ridge(?), X in an old factory, and XX units in prime WB. Now, I have been accused of tooting my own horn, and maybe I am a touch, but this is big business & I must confess that I am shocked to find myself in the midst of it all. I am also surprised to possibly find myself in the crux of the crusade to bring Manhattan (and everywhere else USA) commission standards to cheap-o Brooklyn, and happy about it too. Every day I listen to stock market reports, catch up with dollar values, interest rates, etc. & I deliver results because of it. who ever would have thought that I would be this girl? woman? NOT ME. but what the hell: if I have tapped into an unknown talent, why fight it?

Whatever, I'm still a TX country girl at heart & my Mom sent me this dumb email today that rang true & made me grin:
(WARNING: It's BIG, and full of it' self, like TEXAS. BUT- you should read past the 'if' part)

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas;

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas;

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas;

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas;

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas;

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas;

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas;

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas;

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas;

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas;

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas.

Need to be cheered up?

Happy, Texas 79042
Pep, Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise, Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Sweet Home, Texas 77987
Comfort, Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530

Love the Sun?

Sun City , Texas 78628
Sunrise, Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray, Texas 79086
Sunny Side , Texas 77423

Want something to eat?

Bacon, Texas 76301
Noodle, Texas 79536
Oatmeal, Texas 78605
Turkey , Texas 79261
Trout , Texas 75789
Sugar Land, Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice, Texas 75155
And top it off with:
Sweetwater, Texas 79556

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!

Detroit , Texas 75436
Colorado City, Texas 79512
Denver City, Texas 79323
Klondike, Texas 75448
Nevada , Texas 75173
Memphis , Texas 79245
Miami , Texas 79059
Boston , Texas 75570
Santa Fe , Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony, Texas 75861
Reno , Texas 75462

Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket!

Athens , Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China , Texas 77613
Egypt, Texas 77436
Ireland, Texas 76538
Turkey, Texas 79261
London, Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460

No need to travel to Washington D.C.?
Whitehouse, Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth, Texas 79031

And a city named after our State!
Texas City, Texas 77590

Exhausted?
Energy, Texas 76452

Cold?

Blanket, Texas 76432
Winters, Texas

Like to read about History?

Santa Anna, Texas
Goliad, Texas
Alamo, Texas
Gun Barrel City, Texas
Robert lee, Texas

Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas 78670

Men are from Mars, women are from:
Venus, Texas 76084

You guessed it..it's on the state line...
Texline, Texas 79087

For the kids...

Kermit, Texas 79745
Elmo, Texas 75118
Nemo, Texas 76070
Tarzan, Texas 79783
Winnie, Texas 77665
Sylvester, Texas 79560

Other city names in Texas , to make you smile...

Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot, Texas 78005
Hogeye, Texas 75423
Cactus, Texas 79013
Notrees, Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest, Texas 76886
Kickapoo, Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas 77853
Old Dime Box, Texas 77853
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph, Texas 76883
Whiteface, Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079

And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City

Kilgore, Texas 75662

And our favorites...

Cut n Shoot, Texas
Gun Barrell City, Texas
Hoop And Holler, Texas
Ding Dong, Texas and, of course,
Muleshoe , Texas

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas:

1. Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles

2. Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles

3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas

4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883.

5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.

6. The Heisman Trophy ws named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston.

7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.

8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.

9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.

10. The worst natural disaster in U.S . history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.

11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was ' Houston.'

12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island.

13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43' in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979.

14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag, and reserves the right to divide into 5 states.

15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.

16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper.

18. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington-on- the Brazos, Harrisburg, Galveston, Velasco, West Columbia and Austin.

19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet).

20. The name 'Texas' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas' meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.

21. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females.).

22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas:

(1) Just one God.

(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.

(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.

(5) Put nothin' before God.

(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.

(7) No killin'.

(8) Watch yer mouth.

(9) Don't take what ain't yers.

(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple don'tcha think?

And, my own note: How did Bracken Cave not make into 'little known facts' for having the largest bat population in the world??? This is literally a hole in the ground that at least 20 million (20,000,000) bats POUR out of every night. NO SHIT- actually, lotsa shit- Followed only by my home town, Austin, Texas, with the second largest bat population in North America! It's amazing!

still listening to that song...

2008-01-21T01:19:00.000-05:00

"wonder if I could come home..." so sweet. here is an interesting email I received via work today:

Hello,
My name is INSERT NAME HERE 27 male,Straight a christian born in US and am a model but I am presently in West Africa on a modelling contract,and I will be in STATES FEB 1,I would like to move in FEB 1.I need the details of the room to includes rents and utilitiues and pictures of the room.I would like to rent for a long term period.I really need a place to put my head when i get to the STATES.Do you accept (Cashier check /personal check) as mode of payment?I will like to know more about you Regards REPLY TO MY PERSONAL EMAIL ADDRESS AT (INSER_NAME_HERE_2000@HOTMAIL.COM)

How many personal ads has this guy answered? Is this how he's come by lodging in West Africa? Huh.

In other news, yet another uneventful yet eventful day in my life. I've begun (and continued) a scrapbook/ journal of things of no consequence to anyone except me. It's silly, yet placating... I can look back on a day that seemed like nothing & often, enjoy it more the second time around. I don't do many things in a day that provide much impact, but: it is my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm punching the clock, but when I look at these silly mementos I remember the laughter, fun, & sometimes pain that makes my friends & I who we are. what else have we got? personal experience is what we are. yeah, there are dollars & heartache & fights about silly stuff; but the reality is that most of us are very fortunate & we all end up the same: dead. so I figure I can't take any of the stuff I've seen, heard, earned, or done with me but I'd sure as hell better enjoy the journey. (and my scrapbook)

I'd rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery.

almost half way there- so far, so good.

frank & beans & lumpy.

2008-01-19T00:57:00.000-05:00

so, I'm chillin, listening to sinatra, hangin with the dog & cat after a too full day. frank is telling me that I'm too marvelous for words & that's nice. I certainly like to think so.

what else? I am so happy to have good friends & trying to be a better one. don't really have much to say, got turned on to this great you-tube by a close friend. heart-wrenching, really. there is one person that I would like to sit in a dimly lit room with, hear it with headphones on, and see what happens. it won't happen.

fuck. meeting at 7:30am today. we'll see what happens- could make my year, could be nuthin. met with an accountant today, set me straight. there is so much that I don't know about what I'm doing & I gotta get it. got good news today: I can buy the car I think I want at employee price. got bad news today: accountant says lease. I'm so freaking afraid to lease a car- afraid of owing mileage, afraid of parking on the street, afraid of committing to paying parking on top of insurance- I can do it & it's mostly deductible, but I'm afraid to let go of my cushion, especially in this market.

The accountant said I should open a business account today & I did it. whilst in the bank I inquired about my personal finances. I found out today that my credit is still good (good) & I can consolidate my debt but at my bank they want 10.55%. sheesh, that's high! but I'll do it if I have no better bidders & sadly, that's less than I'm paying to the credit cards. think I'll have a talk with my step-dad tomorrow about the next step.

hate to be all business but hell, that's where I'm at. gotta get my ducks in a row so the ole noggin can relax & I'll be fit for new things.

a few things...

2008-01-17T01:12:00.000-05:00

I like square dudes. not close minded or anything, just practical; someone who lets me scatter-monkey around but knows when & how to reel me in. Guess I kinda like a guy in charge, but not too in charge. And no, dear readers, I haven't met anyone, I am decidedly single & loving it. Did you ever feel so independent & inwardly solid that it felt like the world could melt & you would still smile? Perhaps a bit foolish, overconfident even, but sweet none the less. A suitor of mine recently & very publicly proclaimed: "she is only single because she wants to be." Hmmm... I thought... he's right: I am very, very happy. Alone too, even lonely sometimes, but I have no risk emotionally & no expectations to anyone but myself. It's empowering.

What else? Pets are nice, I like pets because they ground me. I could be out all night at the hootinanny but I'm not, cause I got a dog to walk & mouths to feed. They're also a good placebo for loneliness-I am alone but how can I be sad with the funny dog & cat dance to greet me each morning? Plus, it's incredibly satisfying to teach an animal & have it perform. I love it. My co-workers call me Mr. Von Trapp & say that if I ever have kids they will line up in the foyer & salute when I come home. That's not a bad thing is it? Not as long as there's plenty of laughter & love. Maybe my new car should be called Liesel.

I've been car shopping lately & it pains me. The car is a temporary friend, a fixture of necessity, and a fickle love. The relationship starts great- we need it, we want it, and we will do foolish things to secure one. Things are great for a while, we extoll the car's virtues, enjoy a few long weekends, then reality steps in: parking rules, oil changes, tune ups, & bad mechanics- it all stresses the relationship. We start opening our wallets, hoping our dear car will just get better if we just believe, put more into it- sometimes it does, often it doesn't & we have to decide where & when to let go. It's emotional, expensive, and ultimately disappointing. We wonder: "how could I have done better?" But we can't, couldn't have, it's done & we have to move on, to the next seemingly good ride. Weird, right? That, & I'm too fucking cheap.

I have been told that rich people are cheap and that's how they got rich. Now, I'm not rich by any means, The Empire of JBirdTX could easily collapse at any moment but I don't want it to. I am finally in a comfortable place & the more comfortable I get, the less I wanna spend. I just don't wanna be uncomfortable or worry about green pieces of paper ever again. Does that make sense? I read a book recently that recommended looking at dollars like employees- I like it. I might spend .50 of each one but the other .50 had better be compensating for the loss of it's better half. I didn't have money, then I used someone else's money to make money, then I didn't have any money. Who's responsible for that? Me.

I helped my ex make money when we had none- I maxed out a credit card cause I believed in his talent- I will never forget the tears and fear we shared when we committed to a $100 a month payment for the most expensive computer either of us had ever seen. We had fun with it, made a lot of silly stuff, fought about where to cut other expenses & drank liters of gato negro wine to ease the pain. Our relationship didn't make it, his business did. Now I have a chance to make it & I'm cutting expenses but there's no battle with anyone but myself now.

yeah, I'm still drinking wine, decent wine, actually. I guess the big difference now is that now I don't work for anyone but me, don't answer to anyone but me & I can't blame anyone but me either. I haven't been truly single in years & it's amazing what you find inside when you dare to look.

On a side note, I'm also very grateful for my good friends, the ones who let me pontificate, to take that look inside & help keep me going when I become my own worst critic. Thanks guys.

TX Birthday '08!

2008-01-15T23:19:00.000-05:00

So, I was lucky enough to journey to the homeland for a pre-birthday celebration... it was quick & in short:

DAY 1
-Dino, aka Mr. Fab had his dates wrong & I missed his show; asked friends to gather at Marz instead.
-plane was late, but it worked out fine.
-Ms. Greene accosted some guy in a spotted fez at the bar cause she was sure he new me- he claimed not.
-I arrive, shocked to see her & of course, knew the guy in the fez,(dr.Jules,md- SCARY!) although hadn't seen him in at least 10 years.
-I swear to Miss Greene that Miss TA is not so TA anymore; has she had a boob reduction?
-much fun was had then it was off to the continental.
-then it was off to the 710 (show was billed backwards, we missed our band)
-3 bars weren't enough, on to el dorado where I learned my ID was still in the rental car, safely parked far away.
-run into more old friends & off to after hours.
-crazy woman tries to give me drugs & talks about squatting in a tee-pee on lake austin to "re-claim" the land of her indian fore-fathers, lets loose her tribe is from oklahoma. (how bout that okie logic?)
-I hit the hay.

DAY 2

-wake up thankful I don't do drugs, wonkily walk to lunch with the ladies, feel much better after 2 tasty margaritas.
-go to friends salon for surprise visit & hair appt, find out he has "passed away". WHAT? guess suicide or drugs & sex.
-explore the new w hotel site,new city hall, new shopping district, and new affordable housing/hospital development with SPF.
-more margarita & a net search, find out friend has committed suicide, no idea why. too big a frog in too small a pond? WHAT?
-shopping at the lovely central market, aka food museum, spend too much money on tasty things then hed to Miss TA's place for slumber party.
-great, mellow night with the girls, took it easy on the margs, asked Miss TA about the TA & she provides the full meal deal! OUCH! They were reduced & all I could imagine were her nipples on a cold, clinical plate! They will look great once the swelling & bruising subsides.
- fell asleep watching 13 stories which I'd actually like to finish.

DAY 3

-woke up lazy, breakfasted(?) on leftover "dump cake" which is awesome & so white-trash it's refreshing.
-was suppossed to have hair appt but my friend has punched the clock, permanently.
-hit a store or two, enjoy the sights, and my subaru rental. subaru is cool AND a damn fine car to drive.
-deal with no-worky phone, pick mom up, head to hyde park cafe for lunch.
-hook up with SPF, hit the peddler bike shop to celebrate MS. Greene's Man's graduation from bicycle-builder to dr of aero-space engineering with for real post-doc job & project on cover of popular science! who knew!
-meet some young guy who totes his dog around in a bike cart (as I used to) & wants to hang out but also wants to split so he can make the 3hr drive to the beach at 6am. he hangs.
-we all head to peddler owner guys house for impromtu wild salmon rissotto, turns out he also imports wine! Nice!
-get really loaded around fire pit in 60-something degree weather, make out with cute bike/dog/surfer boy in kitchen, & pass on invite to his place.(who wants to have sloppy drunk sex OR get booted for surfing at 6am when they can't go??)
-head with SPF & her man to starr seeds for chicken fingers smothered in cream gravy, nachos, and migas. Yum!
-on to SPF & A's house where she donns her grannies nightie & wags giant boobs at me. I think of lonely nipples on a plate.
-snuggle to sleep alone on couch.

DAY FOUR: MOM & HOME

-time to pay respect to the woman that birthed me, again.
-meet her at el sol y la luna for one of my fave breakfasts: migas con hongos, pozole con pollo, & a flour wrapped vegetarian chorizo taco with agua con melon to wash it down.
-trip to the capitol building to pick up gifts & pay homage to my step-dad's forefathers: THE Terry Texas Rangers, aka the 8th cavalry of the confederate army. peace.
-shop at dillard's, the TX version of saks, promptly select 2 cashmere sweaters & tell good ole mom that we're meeting the gang at central market to watch a mellow band & have a glass of TX wine.
-band is good, gang is good, & we swap funny anecdotes about the previous night. Miss Greene about her humbug & jog home when she got beat at cards by a 10yr old, SPF about grossing me & her husband out by wagging boob in grannie's nylon nightie, & me about making out with some dude in a kitchen.
-mom loves this & seizes her chance to bust on doting & loyal daughter:

"she told me about that!! MY daughter told me she almost got lucky last night but she wouldn't go home with him 'cause she didn't want to have sloppy drunk sex or get kicked out of bed at 6am if she couldn't go surfing! I mean: was he cute?? what are weekends out of town for??!! ..."

she was about to continue when I interjected: "mom, this guy.... the one sitting just left of me, this is Adam- the guy I made out with."

Mom: "oh shit! sorry Adam, she really is a nice girll!!!" (always tryin' to sell me, I swear.)

Me: "hey Adam, how's the hangover?"

Him: "it's okay; could be worse."

Me: "yeah... could be worse; nuthin' a surf couldn't cure."

-then I had to go: exactly 1.5hrs to lift-off & I still gotta pick up the rental car, whiz, & get gas.

I made it to whiz, just barely. made my plane too. pretty great start to 34, I laughed my ass off the whole time. but slowly, t h e w a y w e do in T e x a s.

AAAHHHH, MOM. Thanks for almost everything!

January 1, sort of.

2008-01-01T04:55:00.000-05:00

Had a mellow night- Saki at SK's place with Fro & MQ followed by spiced rum & good company at MC's. Then on to Medium G's house to ring in the New Year. It was so nice- I wouldn't trade the girls at that kitchen counter for anything in the world. I teared a bit at midnight; thought it would be cause the man I think I love was kissing someone else at that moment but that wasn't the reason at all- I teared because I was so honored to have such fantastic friends in such close proximity. We didn't do anything too special; I walked in on a game of trivial pursuit and was enlisted as card reader, we poured prossecco & paused G's Ipod to turn up the too quiet TV for the countdown. KG exchanged stressed phone calls with an in-law, G got a call from her most excellent Hubby, HG texted her ex, and I received messages from friends in StL. Then the singing began, game ended, and G's little butt began to vibrate in tune to the music & fear of the following morning. HG drove KG home & dropped me back at MC's where I hooked up with SK & Fro again, Winston too. We got a shout out from our Mom & Pop (Cecily & Ethan) & headed out to Union Pool. To busy, way too busy. Winston & I split to R local bar & had a nice time chatting it up with the neighbors. Much to my surprise & probably thanks to a cashmere sweater (KG tell me that cashmere sweaters are my new winter uniform cause my boobs look so great in them) I got a whopper of a kiss planted on me outta left field! And when I say left, I mean left! Wow! I took my hat off & began to fan myself then Lefty came back with another! What could I do? I went in! It was short, sweet, and mostly innocent but really took me by surprise. By nice surprise. Would never have asked for it but liked it when I got it. Then Lefty split & so did I- I walked home alone but somehow felt like the most loved and content person in 2008. I'm off to bed now, the current time is absolutely past my bedtime & I have a Polar Bear Swim tomorrow! On a side note & for the sake of documentation, Slick Rick & Moby played around the corner from my house tonight. The club is still in full swing & puke is all over the sidewalks, as are the human fall-outs. There was somethin' else I wanted to mention but it escapes me now. Did I mention that '08 will be a banner year? Oh, guess I did.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

last moments of 2007

2007-12-30T02:31:00.000-05:00

well, just celebrated the new year a touch early with friends old & new. it was a bit doll drum but I guess I'm growing up. besides, the Polar Bear Swim is now my thing for the new year... I can drink & socialize any night- how many times in a year do I get to dip and celebrate with so many other kinds of people in the cold ocean? Love it! For moments on January 1, a few hundred people (200 maybe?) gather on the sand, become comrades with folks they would otherwise ignore to chatter and share. precious if you ask me- we are all so similar: want to pay the bills, have fun, love, and enjoy life... when you think about it, it's sad that we keep each other at arms length so much. HI-OH 2008!

FAB, you Louse!

2007-12-29T00:54:00.000-05:00

Well, bring it on: the veggie oil bus, mexican martinis, greasy tex-mex, sauce laden meat, and friends! I am celebrating my birthday at home in Austin & then again at home in NYC. Can't wait see who turns up for a night of swing at the Belmont, girls night in La Grange, and food at every moment in between. Can't express how happy I am to be returning to Texas, especially after a night reminiscing about home & this place? tonight with Mr Lynch. Should be a good time & no, I don't care how great the $5.95 steak is, or how cool the Korean Cowboys are- I am not going back to the Yellow Rose! (this time.) Anyway, I'm elated to have the company of good friends & the sweet Texas earth to sooth my heart & brighten my eyes a bit in 2008. Banner year.

running into '08!

2007-12-28T01:40:00.000-05:00

starting to look like 2008 is gunna be a banner year... work is going well, perhaps going into business with a friend to kick some ass & make better money. two heads are better than one, right? was invited to spend the new year in STL and a log cabin but doesn't look like that's gunna pan out. at this juncture it appears that I will be in the city, who knows where, to ring in the new year BUT that also enables me to do the Polar Bear Swim again which is almost more important to me than champagne at midnight! who ever would have thought? I'm excited. Of course, my 34th birthday is coming up as well & plans for that seem to be falling sweetly into place. I was making plans for batting cages the day before but now it looks like I will be taking a journey home to hook up with NYC friends who are currently driving a vegetable oil powered Blue-Bird bus accross the good ole US of A. I'm mildly jealous that that I can't venture with them BUT I also know the pain of traveling in groups & without an in-flight bathroom. Besides, I am gunna hook up with them for the best part: Austin, TX. I will see life-long friends & we are arranging for a table at a swank bar where an old friend is putting on a show. Big band, crooning, dancing, and good times with old and new buddies. nice to be back in circulation I gotta say. not a lot of loving going on but it is so nice to be able to just jet. I have yet to find that guy who gets it, or me. speaking of: a friend from TV on the Radio just texted in... more fun plans for '08? Who knows. I just sent off all my holiday cards, a deposit for a trip to Africa, and all lights are green for the new year & being 34. Jesus (as you read please pronounce that Hay-soos) really missed out not passing 33. bummer. anyway, the 500 rant will continue, I've got a 9am meeting & should try to get some rest. I'm such a night person by nature, it is really hard to get to bed early. I can always find 1000 things to do besides sleep & it ain't cool, sleep = sanity & nice skin.

RANT 500

2007-12-26T23:26:00.000-05:00

this is like INDY 500 but a race of words & free association... I was reminded today, by an ex, that I am a "lecturer". Funny really, cause I just spent the holidays with my family (of whom I'm the wall flower) and found myself incessantly repeating every word to no avail. Upon my return, I found myself doing the same thing with friends: a chicken lady of sorts... conditioning? perhaps. Then again perhaps I've unconsciously put myself in a familiarly safe situation. (Guess that still qualifies as conditioning.) So anyway, just for fun and lack of anything better to do I am compiling a list of 500 things I would rather do with the man I'm dating rather than argue/lecture/whatever... and in almost no particular order. Yes, I am mildly crazy but mostly happy & this one goes out to you exbf & I might not win the race but I'll sure as hell try:

1. do it (duh)
2. read a book aloud
3. butt face the dog
4. pay bills
5. test drive a car
6. watch baseball
7. watch football
8. play foosball
9. learn frisbee AGAIN
10. play frisbee golf AGAIN
11. pick paint colors
12. actually paint
13. move in together
14. eat
15. get fat
16. puke
17. drink
18. talk dirty to you
19. listen to you talk dirty to me (this should probably be number one & parallel to eating)
20. cook
21. pick up dog turds
22. enjoy a glass of wine
23. cook
24. clean the house
25. meet your parents
26. teach you my job
27. learn your job
28. discuss politics
29. meet your ex-girlfriend(s)
30. shop for a computer
31. go to Africa
32. stop by Fiji (anywhere near?) on the way back
33. untangle stereo wires
34. go to a company party
35. plastic surgery
36. fix my car
37. vacuum anything
38. iron anything
39. drugs
40. explain my past
41. buy furniture
42. surf
43. a threesome (me, a girl I choose & you)
44. clean the cat box
45. go to Italy
46. draw pictures
47. surf the net
48. introduce you to my parents
49. celebrate a holiday
50. celebrate my birthday
51. buy flowers
52. fry chicken
53. laugh (this should be higher on the list too)
54. bust on a friend
55. bust on you
56. rate things
57. check my spelling
57. you bust on me
58. make a scrapbook of memories
59. take pictures
60. have a night on the town
61. walk in the snow
62. snowboard
63. ride a motorcycle
63. restore a motorcycle
64. oooh, ride bicycles
65. watch the Simpsons
66. talk to your boss
67. BBQ anything
68. lay on the couch all day
69. have brunch
70. take a nap
71. skip out on work
72. win a lottery
73. grow a crop
74. harvest that crop
75. feed the homeless
76. make an advent calendar
77. drink a beer
78. teach the dog a new trick
79. oral sex ( I likey this one!!)
80. save money
81. buy a house
82. do yoga
83. take spin class
84. diet
85. design a house
86. build that house
87. restore furniture
88. sell stuff at flea markets
89. snuggle for warmth
90. learn the new photoshop
91. visit Russian spas in Russia
92. massage toes
93. listen to you snore all night
94. keep up with the ole J.Edmonds
95. draw pictures (especially of each other)
96. voice acting
97. eat chocolate
98. pet the cat (Mee-OW!, in chi-knees accent)
99. root for Dallas Cowboys
100.fawn over Brett Favre & get it on
101. fawn over a chick you choose & get it on
102. visit friends in Chicago
103. eat pot brownies
104. wake-board
105. wind-surf
106. do it AGAIN
107. lick your ass
108. let you lick mine
109. deep throat your jewels (sorry, is that a little early?)
110. move to a new place
111. race cars
112. roast a roast
113. lose someone I love
114. practice tying knots
115. see a shrink
116. take out the trash
117. recycle
118. use power tools
119. watercolor
120. decoupage
121. stop drinking
122. go into business together
123. cry
124. be sweet
125. adopt a kid
126. visit friends in Monterey
127. leave the city
128. be Santa
129. see Texas
130. see Missouri
131. just take a freakin' U.S. road trip
132. win at craps
133. laugh a lot more
134. listen to music
135. practice batting naked
136. dissect "law & order", any version
137. celebrate friends
138. make up at least 365 days worth of better things to do other than argue
139. go to the movies
140. pay rent
141. watch "A Very Brady Christmas"
142. listen to the 1010wins
143. take a hot, hot shower
145. make coffee
146. hold you close
147. count the homeless
148. take a drawing class
149. learn to dance swing
150. learn to dance the worm
151. attend a party
152. clean a computer keyboard

Wow, there's a lot of stuff to do besides argue... shall I just skip to 499 & 500? Nah, that would be cheating & I don't think there's room on the list. Peace out.

honesty

2007-12-21T00:53:00.001-05:00

there is a time in our lives where we posture, denying what we really think, feel, or want in favor of what we think is expected of us. this generally seems to rear its ugly head in early youth. then we reach a point (teen years in my experience) where we are absolutely honest at any cost. its a frightening time of life, really. most of us seem to come out of it, we learn to balance truth and expectation; to seek fulfillment for ourselves in whichever way makes us happy while pandering to others as needed but are still honest with ourselves. then there are some of us who never learn, who are afraid to embrace what we want and make an honest go of it. I know a couple people like that, it's sad.

and the shit hits the fan...

2007-12-01T02:31:00.000-05:00

or a car, in this case. a good friend, SK, left for china very early yesterday morning. she travels a fair amount & I take her car to keep it from getting tickets, etc. in other words: I am responsible for the well-being of her car. last time I had her car it crapped out. it started running REALLY hot so I parked it, allowed it to cool, and immediately drove it to a mechanic. $2000 & a new head later, the car ran like new. ouch. THIS time I left work, drove down the avenue, & got plowed into. T-Boned if you will. WTF?? I am not car-sitting anymore. AND, the end. as KG would say. fucking sucks. think I'm okay, gunna see a doctor just in case, but I am really most hurt by having to tell my friend that her little car is maimed. I hope they fix it. luckily, I have a witness.

what else? had a thai massage the day after thanksgiving. super bad-ass, wrecked with the wreck I'm afraid. I will go back. the physical & mental boost I got from the massage was unbelievable. 2.5 hours of getting every kink worked out, (fully clothed,ps.), deep breathing, and stinky burning sage worked wonders on my mind & body.

I think about where I'm from, what life was like, how my friends still live & am blown away by the vast differences in our life styles, especially mine. it's shocking. I never knew what a brazilian wax is, didn't play sports or fix walls, rarely got massages, didn't own cold weather clothes or dine out. these things are now staples in my life. yes, in TX, I eventually owned my home, had a house keeper, and went to the gym but now it's different. things that were once unknown luxuries are now neccesity and staple. (ok fixing walls isn't a luxury) anyway, I don't mean to be snooty, it's just interesting: I'm the same human being but my day-to-day has changed with my geographic location in such a startling way. I look back & remember when a 99 cent can of chunky soup was so precious that I cried when it was spilled. literally. hunger sucks. now I live in one of the most competetive cities in the world & am buying a new car... what a twist. never would have guessed I'd be here & I'm thankful.

In the dating realm... had an early dinner with NG. I think my reservation about him is that he just isn't happy. He has little reason for unhappiness but he still can't seem to make it work. whatever he and his lady friend do I wish them luck, I just won't be sucked into an unhappy person or place, it's too much after all my hard work to get right.

played softball tonight, it was kick-ass cold. had beers with coach after, looks like I may be seeing some Mets' games up close and personal next season... fun! seems like I'm still everyone's little sister, the tag-along to hold, protect, and share secrets with. I'm glad for that, it's cool to be loved & trusted but damnit, I'd like a little more too.

don't get me wrong, I'm not bitching, not too much anyway.

muerte del toro

2007-11-27T23:42:00.000-05:00

what days I'm having! work is very busy, no complaints. well, only the occaisional one at least. my group is funtioning well, & I within it. I'm by no means rich but I am learning how to make & keep money. meaning: no frivilous shopping or tempting trips, just buying what I need, minimizing money spent on food, and paying my bills the moment they come in. It's been a long time since I could do that & it feels good. I'm also up-grading slowly. meaning: things that are cheap up front but cost extra in the long run are out. in, are things that might cost a touch more initially but last & operate efficiently. wierd, it's like I'm growing up.

what else? after a long day of work I had dinner with New Guy who is rapidly becoming Not So New Guy. We've been having what I can only describe as an emotional affair. NG has a recent ex, they almost moved in together but she opted to break up instead. key exchange, get your crap outta my house, the whole bit & then she split to visit her home country.

NG & I get along great, have similar interests, and think remarkably alike. remarkably. in the short weeks we've known each other we've grown very close, almost too close, for my comfort. as mentioned in a previous post, he takes very good care of me & of course, I of him. It's very comforting to know that another human is looking out for you & understands but I suspect that my heart & mind are still wary from the shock & dissapointment of the last two relationships I partook in. bummer. am I passing on what could be my greatest relationship ever? perhaps, I dunno.

On her trip NG's ex has decided that moving in is still on the table & I'm no home wrecker. we discussed the dillema AGAIN during dinner. the ex returns tomorrow & he's admant that in her abscence he's allowed himself to be consumed with me, avoiding decision. I don't know that I wanna be consumed or consume anyone. I let him know that I think he's great but his choice has to be made without me in mind, I'm not ready & despite our similarities we have very different lives. I also gently reminded him that he loved or must still love her, otherwise he wouldn't have wanted her to move in & plan kids. He conceeded that it's true.

I don't know... It's so easy when you are "broken up" & getting along with another person to throw in the towel, to imagine that there's someone better out there on the other side of the fence & abandon effort. But the reality is that all relationships have tough times, they're hard. But if you can make it through, if both can stand by & give to make it work, I believe they're well worth the effort. I think I've thrown a couple keepers back during this "broken up" syndrome. I also think I'm holding out to find someone that is free of fences & ready to be with me.

Anyway, NG & I said goodnight, parted ways, & then phoned later as we do. It was nice, seemed sort of final but was a satisfying release too. Upon my arrival at home the cat jumped on my bed & gifted me a lovely scarlet pool of bloody urine. not exactly the way I had planned to upgrade my comforter...think I can upgrade the cat too? Guess the vet will lt me know in the AM.

The picture is from the home I stayed at in Italy, Mediglia I believe. I had recently been to a bullfight in Madrid, it was horriffic & this little momento should have been my clue that Milano would be too. I'll go back though, I always seem to.

got nuthin'

2007-11-22T01:28:00.000-05:00

it's thanksgiving eve, been a very busy day. got up a touch late, cleaned my room, house keeper came, worked from home a touch, then ran errands. a girlfriend gave me a really nice wool coat that I had altered, picked it up today & am very excited at the results. also baked some pies, pumkin cream cheese, choco chip cookies, & choco choco chip cookies too. yum.

I also spent some time with the guy I've kinda been seeing. it was nice but I have reservations, can't quite put my finger on why. he's nice, funny, handsome, a tiny bit on the scrawny side, & I suspect, not so happy. he's from a kinda sad counrty & maybe that's stuck with him. I dunno. the last guy I dated (EXBF) wasn't an overtly happy person either. maybe I'm unconciously drawn to that because of my fucked up family history. conciously I know that I don't want that. I've worked too hard to be happy to let an unhappy person sap my energy. maybe that's my reservation about New Guy... he's taking my energy but not giving much back. hard to say though, he takes REALLY good care of me, REALLY good, in little ways that are incredibly charming & sweet & I like it... but I don't too. who knows, I'm probably crazy & I'm tired: got nuthin'.

snockered

2007-11-21T00:50:00.000-05:00

worked till 10 then got pretty lit last night. met a good friend & made some new ones. played ping-pong, first time in a while, (kicked some ass btw), used to play in Job Corps like a mad woman. what else? worked my little ass off today then had a business dinner in Flushing.

KOREA TOWN is awesome!!! there were NO white people & the food was phenomenal. a korean mortgage broker we've been doing business with invited us out for bbq. he took us to a little place where the big deal is marinade. suppossedly the chef locks himself in a little room & will not let anyone know, (even the restaurant owner), what he puts in it or how much. I can't verify that but I can attest to the deliciousness of his handywork. can't wait to go again. we had plates upon plates of kimchee, asparagus with baby octopus, water egg souffle, some yummy nutmeg & corn concoction bonded with eggs, spicy salad, kimchee soup, soy cured eggplant, and there must've been more. oh- the meat! we got a short rib steak. it comes out as a whole stake sliced so it fans out like a peacocks tail. it cooks at the center of the table but you don't touch it, the smiling ladies cook it for you & chop it up as it chars. pretty deluxe. they also change the grill a bunch so the meat doesn't get tainted with excess char. once it reaches the temp of your liking you wrap it in lettuce with mild pepper, miso paste, marinated onion, and fresh garlic. (yes raw, sliced garlic.) deeeelish! they also put a little pot of sesame oil & garlic in the middle of the grill. it bubbled to perfection & we ate loads & loads of it slathered on everything! I cannot believe how much we ingested yet we were not heavy or weighed down from our meal. for drinks we had soju (mild potato vodka) & black raspberry wine. after, we went to a pretty little bar that had private cocktail rooms, a bar, dining area, and heated tents out back. it was the cutest! the tents were on a pretty patio, could seat 4-5 & had curtains that could be drawn to envelope the heat. we opted for inside but quickly regretted our decision & enviously watched as groups of young koreans were escorted to cozy tents & tucked in with blankets & heaters. too cool. we drank more black raspberry wine, pomegranite wine, and ginseng soju as we knoshed on more water eggs & the prettiest fruit plate I've ever seen. I swear, the fruit must have been tossed in msg- it was soooo tasty & the perfect compliment to our earlier meal. it was also so artfully carved, truly stunning. the service in both places was out of this world. the 3 of us felt like tourists in a foriegn land. New York is full of wonderful secrets & this is truly one of them. I haven't had such a wonderful, surprising, & cultural experience in our fair city for some time. NYC is a stunning place. I am lucky to live in such a mecca. I am also lucky to have had met such opportunity here. My life sure has changed in the last year... think my Grand Dad would be proud. Hope you're watching Lou.

horses, dogs, & tired.

2007-11-20T05:00:00.000-05:00

when I was younger I trained horses. somehow, when I was young, the concept was easier to grasp- the belief in repetition, consistency. I didn't question the system, I just bought it & performed, my steeds did too. I've ridden some great horses, trained them too, & vice-versa. btw, the bad ones are very bad. anyway, someone remarked on the behavior of my dog recently, her obedience & good behavior. I was very flattered. tonight I spoke to someone about the philosophy of horses & it dawned on me: the little 17lb dog is reacting to the same rules & mechanisms as a 1200lb horse. I am excited to have this revelation & it feels unfortunate that I didn't get that the principal is the same earlier. none the less, I get it now, so will she.

love & obsession

2007-11-14T01:16:00.000-05:00

are they the same? is love or obsession why I am still not over EXBF? Why is it that new guy who doesn't know me thinks he is in love? just asking... scares the shit out of me. givin' nuthin' to no-one!

after a few beers with friends...

2007-11-13T01:35:00.000-05:00

no progress has happened. revelations have been found & lost again, gossip traded, bonds re-enforced, and ... hangover? perhaps. But what the fuck? I work hard, am I not entitled to play a bit too?

FYI: the spacebar superceeds the delete button, similar to the way sex over-rides love. not that I've had any; sex that is. Miss Glee... think my gates are rusting too!

St. Louis/ South Africa/ NY

2007-11-11T02:34:00.000-05:00

all I ever wanted in a man has appeared divided between three people from very different places.

One: most sensitive & thoughtful, doesn't miss a beat- driven, ready, & South African, but also slight, petite, & tee-toteler. Can sexy attitude overcome?

Two: very American, from the Heartland of Anheiser-Busch (sp?), absolutely H-O-T, and a wonderful person which he keeps under wraps apparently only around me. Have to say, if we didn't spar emotionally & egotisticly, I would have gorgeous kids...

Three: NY DAD. need I say more? OK: Handsome, my age, daughter of 5 who shares my name, winter house, summer house, sense of humor, desire to be committed, cooks a bad-ass BLT, and wife of 12 years leaving him to be gay. YIKES!

Wish I could smash their traits into one.

chicken rings & draw bridges

2007-11-06T22:45:00.000-05:00

It's kind of amazing to be home by 10pm, having worked a full day, napped, played softball, had beers, and walked the dog for the almost last time. I'm exausted & happy.

work is slowing down although I got some great walk-in clients today. gotta love people who need to relocate, have money, & a now factor.

I'm playing corporate softball & meeting some fun folks, one of whom seems to be tight with some very available pro-ball players... interesting. our team got its collective ass handed to us tonight which made eating greasy food & downing a few pitchers a must. On a smoke break I watched the seemingly futile efforts of the 2nd ave subway dig, craned my neck at all the ugly buildings full of folks & marveled at how strange it is to live in NYC.

back inside, I mentioned my wonder to my comrades, (all of easternly U.S. descent), who in turn marveled at my marveling. to illustrate things seen as oddities to a non-east coast type, I brought up a couple of memories that initially shocked... I had jewish neighbors at home but never knew there were different kinds of jews... I thought it was polite to be polite... mcdonalds delivers... brazilian wax???... and thank you white castle: chicken rings. never in my wildest dreams would I believe that any company would press chicken bits into rings nor did I believe anyone would ever, ever eat them. fucked up. is the fda aware of this?

anyway, we all had a good laugh, one of the guys said (for real) that he heard line dancing is big in austin & the town used to have a good music scene. I have mostly thought of americans as the same & when in europe this summer, was impressed by the variety of culture in close proximity. turns out, we have that in the good ole U.S.A. too. am I still an ignorant small town girl? ok, good.

I caught a train downtown & another to LIC, reflecting all the while on my night, new friends, and the vast changes I've experienced here in NYC. upon arrival at my station I stepped off the train & spotted a white castle carton that looked like it recently held rings. funny. next, I piled myself & gear into the car to head into brooklyn. (top of the food chain people). low and behold the drawbridge came up- pretty cool invention. six months ago this might have bothered me; instead, I thought about the bridge, its mechanisms, who made it, and had one final marvel: I am content... single, successful, and happy in NYC.

HELLO BLOG!

2007-10-22T22:25:00.000-04:00

wow- I haven't posted here since June 8th? Yikes!

Just read a couple of old posts, good stuff. So much has happened in my life in such a short time yet lately I've been feeling a bit void of personality. no idea why. so here I am, hopefully gunna work it through.

My trip in Europe was great, incredible even. Don't know why but I never talked to many people about it, haven't posted on the trip blog much since being back; I wonder why. Oh well.

These days not a lot happens other than work. My mind is sharp, informed even, my pocket-book is not fat but also isn't collapsing on it's self anymore & I'm a dull girl. all work & no play, right? Well, I'm fine with it. Despite a newfound feeling of social inept-ness I am rejoicing in the nightly call of my world being: "all is well!" Stability. Again and finally.

I left a good job, great friends, and surety just over SEVEN YEARS ago. Ever since that fateful July I have struggled- emotionally, financially, and yes, socially. There have been months of peace, contentment, and new great friends on the path but few have stayed, security has been fleeting.

I have a feeling that this is the last of my rounds of struggle, things are secure. I'm working & planning to make it so. The close friends I've made & kept here, in NYC, are keepers, solid peeps. I've also had the recent pleasure of re-finding old friends; they seem to be stable now too & full of generosity & love. It's nice, re-assuring to get & finally be able to give back. The pains of growing up are easing rapidly & being an adult is becoming more than I ever hoped it to be.

observations

2007-06-08T21:52:00.000-04:00

men & boys... kinda the same thing; so are women and girls. It's gotta be tough to be a guy, especially in our culture. many boys are raised to hide their feelings, be tough, and out smart/ perform their counterparts. bummer. girls don't have it any better- we're usually taught it's okay to be soft, encouraged to be emotional, compassionate, and to compete just as hard as the boys.

all the equality of the sexes stuff is for shit. we are raised to play different roles, taught to react differently to the same situations, and are also, (I suspect), hard-wired differently too. If we all did the same thing, had the same skills, then a lot of stuff would fall through the cracks. just like if everyone were just as smart as each other, with just as big egos, no one would be a janitor or a garbageman. we need to be different to function, succeed, get everything done.

all this crap we're fed may help us to succeed in careers, to compete professionally, and survive but I for one think much of it has just made it harder to be close to the opposite sex. I dunno really where I'm going with this, it's just an observation about my own success and failure in relationships as well as a few others I know. my last relationship morphed into a sibling-like rivalry that killed both our egos and ability to appreciate each other. that's a shame.

If we were just taught to embrace the differences in each other & accept a couple humble weaknesses in ourselves it sure seems like things would be easier. I guess that's the grown up part though- we have to accept that there's a little girl or boy inside of us that is still unsure, and needs guidance; but we have to guide that little person ourselves now, using what we we've learned, not just what we've been taught. I'm trying to do that- be stronger, less emotional, more rational, to relish & control the sweet charming girl in myself. I hope I'm also learning to embrace who-ever I date next; to accept his childish side and differences.

I"m gunna do my best to hold out for a man in a similar place- a place that allows us to to take the lead in whatever it is that each of us does best, enjoy our differences, protect each others weak spots, and share what we know, making us better, stronger together. he'd better be funny too.

a funny thing happened on the...

2007-06-06T01:18:00.000-04:00

last night I shared with SK for 2 months. she is venturing to Asia for the next month & when she returns I will be in Europe. it kind of all hit me today- the grandness of life; well, the grandness of my life anyway.

when you are young, you believe anything is possible- despite what your parents say. they're miserable, right? saddled with at least one kid, maybe two, perhaps more. what do they know? then you take a few of life's knocks, your parents' words haunt you, and you become as aware of reality & as destitute of dreams as they. maybe. but then again- maybe you play the odds of life, accept a few knocks, learn a few lessons, & look for possibilty: never letting go of those dreams.

If you take the latter path you might find yourself as I do: blessed with great friends, great opportunity, and somehow an increadibly rich life full of love, hurt, and dreams that become reality.

it all hit me tonight, like an unsuspected & welcome slap in the face. I am exactly where I hoped & dreamed to be at 33: I have shared great love and will again, live in an amazing place, experience great things almost daily, have a fabulous dog & even a cat, I'm also the best person I know how to be, making good money, and about to start traveling the world. am I missing anything? not yet, not yet.

relationships in my life are so good, the ones that haven't been are healing, (Chad Patrick, Sarah, Bonny?), and I am happy. it's been a long time since I could say that- About the happy, the healing, the success. I've worked very hard to get here and I finally believe- I finally KNOW that all is as good as I have the power to make it. I deserve all the good, in fact, I've made the good and that is peace to me.

it's funny, it all hit me tonight, having dinner with SK, expressing my reservations about her watching the dog; JPM's voice in the back of my head, and Larry's too- assuring me to have faith, believe, let go, and let life happen: impart the positive, let go of the rest, accept. SK and I had a good time, we talked of trivial things, supported each others adventures & then she loaned me a back-pack, the touring sort & I realized: this is the cusp of my new beginning, the dawn of all I have worked so hard for & will continue to make happen.

I also realized: maybe my parents weren't so saddled, maybe they kinda knew what they were doing this whole time, maybe the misery I percieved them to have was partly their own & partly the pain of new growth- teaching me loyalty, the skills of success, value of honesty, hard work, & endurance. they have lived the very despair and triumph that I have each day in life & they must know I will repay that favor ten-fold & pass it on: to my kids- their grandchildren. they must also know that in my offspring they will have a chance to teach those same lessons again, only better. that's not devoid of dreams at all- it's fantastic. funny to think that I may have the opportunity to do and teach as they. funny & amazing.

the odds are good, and so is life.

Memorial Week Begin

2007-05-29T00:57:00.000-04:00

started with Shavu'ot -- aka: The Festival of Weeks, which I don't entirely know the details of. suffice to say that I'm learning, quick as I can, & there are A LOT of Jewish holidays. this year, for me, Shavu'ot = no work wednesday or thursday, sweet! I cheated a touch, went into the office for a bit both days but friday, oh my!

Wed: work some, fuck off some, happy hour with teammates & then Fette Sau bbq with VICE/ Maxim Mag boys & a surgeon who is so unsure of himself I can't imagine how he operates. drunk, home safe, and as I do: alone.

Thurs: work some, fuck off some, community meeting. I knew where the meeting was but my brain or legs took me to the place next door. I decided that work has been enough & let it go. met JPM for dinner at Sweet Water, bottles of wine, delish food, lax service, and holding court with friends. JOY! we had a blast, JPM walked me home, promised to call during his trip to FL & that he would say "hello" to the Manatees for me. home safe, and as I do: alone.

Friday: woke up at the crack of just before 8am, resisted, leashed the dog, & ran errands in the hood. after a couple hours venturing in such glorious weather & too much not being enough, I grabbed a sandwich, some H2o, scoffed at the 90+ degree weather prediction & headed over the Polaski Bridge to L.I.C's waterfront park. lunch took place under the shadow of an old container crane with Manhattan as a backdrop- it was perfect, including the enormous & hilarious birdshit that covered Beans in a stinky slew. never knew that birdshit had a scent but turns out: it's fowl! pretty fucking funny- the dog jumped a foot & I thought the birds had slung eggs at us. half my sandwich either compensated for Beans loss of pride at smelling so bad or cemented it's glory; who knows. we walked back to GP, glowing in sun-kissed glory & thoroughly exhausted. I went to a bbq later that evening but copped out to hang with girlfriends once the D-list famous people & musicians started arriving. we had a great time, sitting in the backyard, playing Monopoly, reading In-Touch Magazine, & then trying, (hopelessly), to teach each other swing dancing. perfect fucking day, home safe, and as I do: alone.

Sat, Sun, Mon to follow folks. for now, enjoy Beans enjoying the lovely view of Manhattan, the UN Building, and the cosmopolitan musk of feral bird shit.

the middle is great

2007-05-24T00:02:00.000-04:00

I've always said that things will work out if you let them & they are. It's funny, my life used to be full of ill-content drama, being upset at the drop of a hat, but I'm not that person by nature- & I don't have to be & won't let myself be that person anymore.

so much has happened in this last week, all for good, and my biggest problem now is: how long do I stay in Paris? FUCK. my art & house is well, roommate is great, love life is nill, dog is better, friends have borne babies, career is set, and invites to enjoy life abound. not to mention at least 1000 unpublished posts.

guess I gotta live- guess I've gotta pack up the smarmy dog, a couple days worth of clothes, and take full advantage of an almost free month of summer in Paris- when else in my life will I get this chance? I think I have to do this.

JPM drunk called me tonight- he asked: "which side of the bed do you sleep on?"

I replied: "the edge."

he said: "yeah, you're not ready yet; just so you know: the middle is great when you get to it."

I started to...

2007-05-15T00:13:00.000-04:00

write about whatever small thing is on my mind, like car troubles or needing money, and that guy who tried to paw me at the bar. then I looked at squirrelies page (one of my best friends since forever), at her pictures, saw the struggle, joy, & beauty that she & her future husband have made & still make together. pretty fucking fantastic.

I admire her for not settling- sure she dated a lot, had fun, but she held her heart & ground 'till the right one came along. they've been together for about 11 years now and from this angle, it just appears to get better. i'm pretty damned happy these days & I look forward to meeting another happy person to meld with, laugh with, to share, & explore the oddities of our world with.

good job M & T. love you both, & especially together.

getting what you want...

2007-05-13T00:02:00.000-04:00

life is full of projects and our biggest one is ourselves. I don't know about the rest of you clowns but I've spent a lot f time working on myself, my life, and now... I'm actually getting what I want, being where I want to be. hasn't been an easy journey, lord knows, but it's been an experience. now I can relax, maintain, & move onto other things. sweet!

it's been fun catching up with & making new friends, keeping up with the neighbors, and learning my job. I finally feel like I've found my place again. worked on my house all day, get ONE wall ready to paint. sheesh, lotsa work.

that's about it. dog has been an absolute hellion, cat is a touch under the weather, & I took a nice walk in the rain tonight. somewhere loads of fireworks were going off & the sound was super cool as it reported through the apartment. roommate kicks ass.

since monday...

2007-05-11T00:24:00.000-04:00

deals accepted, deposits taken, contracts out. wow. what else?

Tuesday I can't remember, just know I worked late & JPM had to tell me it wasn't Monday anymore.

Wednesday I got up early, walked a mile, ran a mile, then went to work. I was supposed to do laundry but ran out of steam. I did manage to attend an open house at the loft where the movie "Music & Lyrics" was partially filmed. list price: $7.5 million, appearance price: $1,200 per month. place was a steaming hot dump with a bad layout. was totally zonked, as mentioned, went to dinner, tried to eat my fave- buffalo style calamari, but my body wouldn't have it after the work-out. (might have been more than 2 miles...) went to em shanghai for a night cap & ended up throwing a football with buddies in the middle of havemeyer street. was pretty funny & I got busted goofing off by a guy I have a mini-crush on as he drove by. no matter, he has a girl & I am just what I am: pretty damned goofy. finally made it home & to bed.

Today more work, softball practice, & a quality conversation with my brother.

we're both worried about our mom & stepdad & trying to figure out how to express that concern to them in a firm but serious manner & as a united front. it's almost like parents playing good cop and bad cop to get the kids in order. sad. they may die young- heart attacks from stress, drugs, obesity, and a generally unhealthy lifestyle. it makes me sad- they were both so vibrant, intelligent, & interesting once; now they're so blitzed conversation is impossible & being with them is frustrating & embarrassing at best.

that's about it. working on re-uniting with my father via my brother & stepmother. who knows what will happen. one thing is for sure: I wish I had better role models of adulthood while growing up. I would probably be further along than I am now & make better choices about friends, career, love, and more. I'm not claiming to know everything, (although I might know more that one should at this age), but I finally feel like I'm overcoming the handicap of my upbringing & turning into a moderately respectable, caring, and genuine adult. that makes me feel like a success.

perhaps tomorrow I will talk about the way I love things being the same- predictable even, and love to make my own personal routines for just about everything. Hey! I said I feel successful as a person, not saine.

Peace Peeps!

dreams, reality, and hard-hat hotties

2007-05-07T22:04:00.000-04:00

so, I hosted an open house at a new property yesterday. it went well, apprx 30 people showed which is a great turn-out. one of the peeps that showed was a kinda handsome dude, my age, but blonde and blue-eye just like my brother which I am totally not attracted to. anyway, I walked this guy through the building, asking questions, trying to get to know his needs & where he's coming from, lifestyle, etc. he looked pretty chill in sandals, shorts, & Brooklyn tee; he was also super athletic & in shape. well, turns out he works for the freaking secret service! of course I asked him about this & got the classic reply: "I'm not really suppossed to talk about it." huh. being nosey as I am that reply made me want to just ask more questions but I dropped it, finished the meeting, & forgot about it... or so I thought.

last night I had crazy dreams about living in a city built along on a barren, chalky cliff with a narrow waterway running through it- literally through the cliff. the entire city had a day off & everyone ventured into the inside of this rock with inner-tubes, got pulled to the top of the channel by an escalator-like lift, and shot into this fast moving water way that led down, around, more down, and eventually out into a deep ravine. pretty cool. all around the ravine were people sunning, bbqing, and playing music. to get from one side of the ravine to the other you had to swim or cross a stone bridge that was about 10 feet wide & 60 feet or so above the water. I was walking around, looking for my buddies when this secret service guy from the open house called out my name. (I'll call him SS) so anyway, I saunter over to SS & he invites me to hang out- cool. he wants to pass over the bridge but I am super afraid of heights & there are people laying all over the bridge making it so you gotta weave in, out, and hop over them to cross. it totally wigged me out & a long part of the dream was me crawling & pushing myself (flat on my back) accross the bridge. I had vertigo, vomited, squeeled, the works. SS just encouraged me the whole way & finally we were off. he led me all over the town, to places I'd never been. we saw yards with sculptures of brightly colored giant mushrooms & we jumped from cap to cap, getting higher & higher till we came upon a small arena, the sides of which were actually funky wood framed town houses. artists lived in them & paint splattered laundry hung everywhere to dry. we left as there was nothing happening & happened into a yard sale at an old church. there was a group of old men that looked like shriners charging a nickel-per-peep for some show in the basement. SS paid our nickels & we went into the basement for a gander. a little slit in the wall opened up and we peered in to see a monkey laughing and washing himself with nickels instead of water. strange. we left the church & the sun went down. then I was under a huge pecan tree, filling my pockets with nuts. a girl came along to ask for directions & I realized I had no idea where I was & turned to ask SS but he was gone. I walked with the girl for a bit, through some kinda scary neighborhoods, whe turned off on her own path & I wandered into the country side & a huge old farmhouse. there was a formal dinner-party going on & I was ravenous. there were so many people that no-one noticed when I helped myself to food & then I looked for the toilet- I hadn't gone to the bathroom all day! I guess I took too long to poop 'cause when I emerged everyone was up in arms asking who the hell I was & why I was there? I got booted out & woke up. weird, right?

which brings me to today- the group I work with is releasing a big building in a couple weeks so we went on a tour of it to get our bearings & discuss prices. it's a bad-ass building. not really my style but great park views & nice finishes. I would buy in it just to live so close to the park. we went up in a "hoist" which is like an elevator but temporary & on the OUTSIDE of the building & a bit rickety. whoa. the vertigo feeling from my dream rushed back as we ascended 16 stories at an uncomfortably fast pace. it was pretty though & I took the picture you see with the grating at the top. the other pics are views of the park from the apartments & a coupla the women I'm working with. pretty rockin'. it was a cool experience, I actually got to pipe in, help with decisions on floorplans, and prices. pretty cool, I feel like I have a real job & one that maybe isn't so important but lotsa fun.

my softball team lost by one run yesterday. bummer. I did ge one fun & funny comment though: "nice can."

Summer Personified

2007-05-06T02:09:00.000-04:00

That's ME?? A friend told me today that I'm summer, personified. WOW. That's possibly the biggest compliment I've EVER gotten in my life. Feels pretty damned good too.

I'm darn happy about our weather & this was my first day of absolutely sworn no work in a bit. let myself to sleep in, rolling over when my internal clock said: get up! at 9am. had wierd dreams about taking a league-wide softball trip, my ex quitting softball entirely & starting smoking, and wishing I could serve him a little slice of my happy inside place to give him peace. when I finally arose (near 11) the day was glorious & I met it head on.

donned a colorful summer dress (over jeans mind you) walked with my dog to picked up keys for the new development I'm releasing tomorrow & couldn't help but pass by the property to see if they work. (they do- & it's soooo cool) then I took the dog to the park with her best friend, ran into new & old faces, basked in the sun. then it was off to wash the car; must say it cleans up nicely. I wisked off the driver door, cranked up the tunes, and since my cell was out of juice... stopped by the office.

had a couple calls, returned them, & ended up showing the building a day early. it was a good dry run, I know my shit, & the building almost sells its self but it was good to review the material. my goal is to have all 8 units in contract in one month- a lofty goal but not impossible. One is in contract & I have an offer on another already. the clients I met probably won't buy in this building but they will buy & I'll bet it's through me.

made it back to the homestead with just enough time to run to my next-door neighbor's annual Kentcky Derbey party, muddle a julep, & get a quality seat for the race. missed betting but that's okay, I woulda wagered on 10 to win & he didn't. party was fun, good crowd, and I found myself strangely more social than usual. not bad...

then it was off to the new Luna Lounge where I was promised friends' bands playing and a much delayed introduction to the wife-half of the ownership. she was a tart! and pretty cool. got to make a grand entrance from a perfect parking space out front, recieved that great compliment, caught up with the locals, & wandered in to see a damned good show. I'm not one for crowded venues & I'm sure the bands playing would have appreciated a better turn-out but it was fun & everyone there knew each other in some way or another. we buzzed around, socializing like honeybees collecting pollen , threw smartly packaged NYC rubbers at the stage, and laughed our asses off.

the clock struck 9:30 & it was time for dinner. had what I must call gourmet horchata & a dismal dinner at Taco Chulo (it was Cinco de Mayo after all) the headed on to a recording-studio party in park slope. boo. I like music, love love singing along loudly when no-one is listening, and certainly admire the talent of those who create it but the last thing I want to do is hang out and talk shop about music. boring. I lasted 10 minutes, got back in my door-free jeep, cranked up the tunes, and headed home.

got home before midnight, exausted, and turned on the tube only to get sucked into a lifetime show 'bout a couple reminiscent of my ex and me. full day & full circle. now I'm off to bed, too late but satisfied & ready to personify summer all over again tomorrow.

Gooliani blows

2007-05-03T23:35:00.000-04:00

so, Rudi Gooliani is playing the political field, looking us in the eye while talking from both sides of his mouth. THAT guy really gets my dander up. I read a CNN article about the republican stance on repealing Roe VS Wade-it quoted him as saying: "It would be OK to repeal it. It would be OK also if a strict constructionist viewed it as precedent," fuck him- he's gunna hop around all willy-nilly, waiting till the last possible moment to choose which leg to stand on, hoping it will get him votes- I hope he falls flat on his sallow face. The quote just below Gooli's is rich too: "Glorious day of human liberty and freedom," enthused Sen. Sam Brownback of Kansas. Since when the hell is NOT HAVING A CHOICE been a marker for freedom & liberty? am I an idiot for not getting that or are the idiots anyone who buy his forked-tongue bill of goods? jeeeezus.

I used to be pretty politically active, helping organize pro-choice rallies, speaking before the city council, etc. I bet that dip-shit TX Senator, Kirk Watson, would turn tail in less than a heartbeat if he saw me coming his way. I guarantee if I had stayed in TX he wouldn't have made it past Mayor- his Mayorship was a serious debacle & I called him out at every opportunity. what a stinky douche. Anne Richards is probably trying to claw her way outta her casket to wring his scrawny neck & that fool Georgie Jr's neck too. Coupla embarrasments, not only to TX but to the entire freaking country. The USA is no longer taken seriously on an international level- we're just the school yard bully that has to be placated so the rest of the day can be gotten about.

I'm going to Europe in July & am embarrassed to tell people I'm from this brutish, selfish land full of glutton & fools. good thing I've got the reining #1 offending state tattooed on my wrist. I think American Apparel has a line of terry wristbands & I hear Paris is pipin' hot in July- to hell with packing electric adapters, I've gotta squeeze in 10 days of sweat bands or bandages. sad, really.

what else? ahhh... food. so, a coupla nights back I joined a friend (JPM) in sampling the local tapas. he plans to open a restaurant in the Burg that serves nice wine & small portions for sharing. obviously, he needed a companion to test out the local fare & it's sharability- smart guy to call me for the job. we started at DOC with 2 different wines and plates of cheese and meat. yum! we got two more wines & two types of crostini- totally passed the test. we were actually full half way through our meal but this was important work; we ate everything & carried on... to Zippe Zappe, a place we've both avoided 'cause the title is so hammy & the spanish cartoon it takes it's name from is kind of, well, not our style. we walked in & were swarmed by two of the most delightful women I've ever encountered in NYC. Turns out JPM knew with these women who own the place; they're sisters, from Turkey (note- this place is very high on my travel list) and he worked with them in the city years ago. It was a lot of fun to hear the stories they shared & their excitement about seeing my companion was electric. It was comical, all this time JPM avoided this place but in doing so had also avoided seeing two people he dearly missed. we were stuffed but they insisted we try the croquetas, various stuffed olives, and of course, wine. We truly wanted this place to be a winner but it wasn't. Portions were teasingly small, some of the flavors were too strong & would appeal only to a limited crowd, and the wine: not good. The wine list was comprised of 6 selections total, all made in Spain but not representative of the area at all. Since when is Spain known for Merlot & Cabernet? Ick. We bid our hosts (and the Spanish chef) goodnight & ventured to PT- the new place opened by the owners of our previous haunt, DOC. It was fantastic. Lovely atmosphere, small wine selection by the glass but strong, and the food: well, it all sounded fantastic & smelled good- we were too full to eat. Guess I'll have to go there again. If only I had a date to share the romantic ambiance with... just kidding, I'm so off that horse.

Tonight's adventure was softball practice & a return to Rockwood Music Hall with a GF to see Trevor Extor, the pickin' cellist. Low key, good show, mellow music. Now I'm off to bed, early day again & I've got to walk past a property to be sure my banner is in place.- releasing 7 units this Sunday. My teammates did take care of everything while I was away, just like I knew they would. They're great & I love my job. Finally.

the most conservative member

2007-05-03T01:51:00.000-04:00

this is a draft I saved a couple weeks ago. I'm publishing it now cause I think it's pretty valid, albeit unfinished, to the things I've been thinking about....

my recent trip to Texas reminded me that I'm the most conservative member of my family- brother, mother, step-father, uncles, aunts, grannies, gramps, all of 'em. hell, I'm probably even more conservative than my real dad too- he's so conservative that he's extreme. it was good & wierd to realize. not drinking was really good for me too, helped get myself in control again, this is sort of another facet of remembering who I am.

perhaps I never fully appreciated or understood the big personalities & excess of input I grew up with. they're a handfull, this family, and quite honestly, a bit frightening to me. this trip got me to thinking about how being in NYC has changed my life, my outlook, and personality- not always for the better. I've been pondering my relationships with parents, siblings, friends, men, and self.

this could be a long story but I'm tired. never in my life have I dared count on any human save my grandfather, Lou- a shrink actually. suffice to say: I wonder most where my peace with others lies. I feel almost like it's been robbed by drug and alchohol abusing parents, perverted uncles, religious zealots, and people who embark in criminal enterprise rather than do an honest days work. my brother is in the same boat & has dealt with it well- we share tender hearts, use bad humor riddled with excessive emotion, & posess low tolerance for BS as a defense- even toward each other. I have, at times, admired him greatly but sometimes wonder: was it his accomplishments I adored, or just awe of the space his antics command?

I wonder why I ever got married. looking back I wonder: was it an attempt for me to be the center of attention for once? my husband was such a handsome, wild, adversity conquering fool- did I attach myself to him in an effort to be top dog in the pack of insanity?

I'm off to bed, will possibly write more on this tomorrow. these 10 slow digits cannot possibly contend with the speed of thoughts in my mind, nor should they.

tonight I saw my friends' band- they're good together, independently they're great & all make a living traveling for "known artists". sounds like hell to me- just isn't my scene anymore. work, then soccer tomorrow. suppossedly poker & chef night starts next monday- I maintain that it's a winter activity & out of season- we should be outdoors, not huddling together in a small room whilst trading dollars for sticky cards after mass quantities of chili, fried chicken, or other assorted southern foods. however, I love to eat & I have no problem with free meals or spending ten bucks on beer & laughter with friends. hmmm...

culinary adventure & dating?

2007-05-02T23:59:00.000-04:00

so... I accepted an invite for a drink extended by a friend of a friend. didn't think much about it, thought it might be nice to meet a few new peeps & get outta my little Brooklyn bubble. met this dude in the city after a full day of work & no dinner. thankfully he was ravenous too & after a cocktail we decided to grab a bite. This guy is pretty well traveled, has lived all over the world, & had some definitive suggestions about food. I'm cool with that, love to eat, & always happy to learn about a new cuisine. In short- I was down with his plan & ready to take a tour of taste.

Now I'm a little dense, and up to this point it hadn't occurred to me that this could be construed as a "date". I just don't think like that & haven't been of the mindset to think in terms of boy and girl. In fact, in my own mind I'm kind of sexless- not man, not woman, just a person. quite honestly, sometimes I take my clothes off, catch a glimpse of my body in the mirror, and do a double-take. I find myself blankly staring at my body's reflection; kinda surprised that I've grown up, have boobs, a waist, and hair in funny places. I don't know why, and I do feel sexy or whatever sometimes but mostly I just feel like a goof. perhaps I never outgrew the whole tomboy thing, who knows?

so anyway, I'm in this Brazilian restaurant with this friend of a friend & give him carte blanche on the ordering thing. He's walking me through the menu, talking about regions, local resources, history, & customs. I'm pretty interested, the banter is good, & the sangria is even better. Admittedly, I feel a touch like a country bumpkin listening to this guy's world travel & knowledge. Then it hits me! BAM! We are not at a cheap restaurant, we are not just having a cocktail, this is not just meet a buddy after work in the clothes you've been sweating in all day- this is a freaking date! My tiny head spun! There I was, no shower in a day or two (HEY! I'm single, don't gotta if I don't feel like it!) & totally unprepared to negate any "hitting on". I looked at the guy all bug-eyed to size him up (hadn't even thought about him that way) & he took pause to inquire what's wrong. I busted out laughing at the predicament I'd gotten myself in- what could I possibly say? I checked myself, told him it had been a while since I'd been on a date, & admitted that he'd caught me off guard.

we had an excellent dinner, the conversation was mostly his (yes, I listened for once) I had little to say, and felt completely baffled. I wasn't into him per-say but it was really nice to be out with a person who was so centered, happy pursuing his interests, and such a gentleman. we ended up walking around the city after dinner (one of my fave things to do) stopped into a couple places to sample fancy beer & cocktails that are out of my league but the norm for him then called it a night. He walked me to my train, placed a kiss on my cheek, & the night was done.

Two days later he rang to say he had a very nice time, would be busy with his band & some Pepperdine Masters Alumni thing over the next week but should I like to go out again, he would love to take me.

I haven't called. Don't know what it is. He certainly isn't a looker but that isn't my issue. Guess my heart just isn't in it yet. Dating. urrrrg. There are certainly times that I miss my ex but on a whole it was 2.5 years of nothing being certain other than uncertainty. 6 months into it he started critiquing & breaking up with me; it was awful- I felt so unimportant, so disposable. Is that why I'm so reluctant about dating again? Am I afraid to give my heart & hope to someone only to have it dumped back in my lap without a word of thanks? I dunno. Guess all I can do is continue being happy & pursuing my own interests like that friend's friend who so happily & generously shared an evening of his life with me yet asked for nothing in return

going with the flow...

2007-05-01T21:50:00.001-04:00

Seems I have been on an accidental quest for all things culinary as of late. This 7lb+ octopus is the most recent victim of said journey.

I recieved a call from a friend yesterday, (J, whom happens to be a chef), inquiring what my evening plans might be. Of course I had none & was tickled when invited on a walking adventure to find an octopus for dinner; little did I know how much Brooklyn would be covered. I'm no fan of octopus mind you- too rubbery- but J talked a good talk &, as luck would have it, was able to drop everything to saunter out of work, into the lovely day. J & I thought we knew where to find a worthy prize, & jauntily walked a good mile to get it, only to meet dissapointment upon our arrival: store closed. No matter, I knew we would find this animal to feast upon & cajoled J into carrying on a few more blocks. Shortly we found ourselves in a vibrantly colored neighborhood, home to our new octopus friend. On our journey to the kitchen-of-death we also found wine & fresh-made italian sausage. Upon arriving at the ranch, J dunked the cephalopod in a too small pot to boil & set coals to grill-soon we imbibed & snacked on sweet links, tempering our well-earned hunger.

(on a side note, I was gunna call the octopus a fish, which I knew it wasn't, so I popped up a new window only to see our ape-ish prez; didn't read the article but my blood ran cold none the less. THAT guy is gunna be the demise of us all. brrrr.)

so anyway, it took J way too long to get that damned cephalopod on the grill. we hung out, admiring the newly seeded yard whilst a hired hand slowly swept the patio & relentlessly chattered, my dog ran wild, entire albums played, and hours later the neighbors joined. all very pleasant & J had really talked up the assets of octopus- by this point I truly believed and was freaking starving despite consuming a fair share of wine & full half pound of italian handywork. fuck. the octopus sure looked good on the grill; so good that I tried to take another phone-photo of it but so much time had elapsed that the phone was out of juice. again: no matter, the end of our mission was near and.... IT SUCKED.

Don't get me wrong, it was great for octopus, but: it was from the ghetto, a touch fishy, a lot chewy, and while expertly marinated, sauteed, and grilled- it wasn't a porterhouse. dinner & drink cost me $50; I venture to wager that I coulda' got a moderately quality Angus steak at Key Food for no more than $15; Coupled with a snack of $3.99lb Deigo sausage & a cheap glass of wine the whole meal woulda' satisfied me more, been fresher, cheaper, and taken a lot less patience- something I'm obviously short on.

Times like that make me glad to be single & able to seize opportunity yet they also inspire me to miss an EX- one that could could a great meal cheap, quick, and with tasty sex as an appetizer. whoa! Too much info maybe, but hell, it's true- cain't argue with it. Thanx anyway J.

don't do it lonely...

2007-04-30T01:23:00.000-04:00

ahhh, if you could hear the pretty, pretty music that line goes with; so nice. went to see a friend & his friends play music at my fave venue- Rose. very peaceful, great wine, atmosphere. the music was lovely, the songs a touch wistful, and as the singer/ songwriter thing goes- a bit too long.

no softball this weekend- kite day took precedent. missed it but at the same time... life is busy. I'm a working dog, as always, though learning to manage time, allowing myself too have a break, sanity, and happiness. meeting more people, moving on, continuing forward while letting go.

anyway, softball- one of my good friends wants to play, has potential. I've been more than clear that can't field her & she's got to practice, conquer the ball. recently she asked me to accompany her whilst buying a glove & has been very ardent about practicing. part of me isn't surprised, she's just strong-headed enough to take no as a challenge, but another part of me admires her will & determination. it's kinda lame cause I don't wanna be saddled with teaching something I'm still learning myself but at the same time it's really cool cause she listens, is patient. the bonus is I get practice too- without complaint. gotta say, it's been good to get familiar with pitching again & when I coach her I'm also coaching myself & getting better.

saw an ex tonight; was harder & easier than expected. sometimes people are genuine, open. then sometimes they are running from themselves and everyone else. glad that race has come to a close for me& still learning; sorta sad he won't be at the finish line to cheer me on but it's been a long time since he's been able to cheer anyone on, including himself.

much more to say, perhaps tomorrow.

when I lay my head at night I think of this place that is so wild yet calm, pretty, and full of sunny peace.

xo, JM.

nuthin' and everything

2007-04-25T22:25:00.000-04:00

so.... good and sad to be back. not much for me in Texas at this stage of life, not much in NYC for me either. I have good friends in both places, and each location has a certain charm the other lacks. both look similar these days... that building under construction is in downtown Austin. scary. two woman on my plane were venturing to Austin with the idea of moving there. they'd both heard how great it is, how affordable & cool- kinda like my NYC neighborhood. they sure look similar these days & all these flocking, cool people gotta nest somewhere I suppose. don't like it, can't stop it, so I'm gunna do my best to make money on it. the ole "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" addage.

what else? the lovely lady snapped on the beach is smiling because she just ot a kick-ass nine foot board for her 33rd birthday. no-one deserves it more. I hope to visit her in Cali over mother's day, hopefully my hectic schedule will allow. the other pictures are the barn where the wedding reception was held. it's gorgeous, made of hay which is touted as a great natural insulator. I'm not sure it will reach it's full insulating potential with all those windows and doors but no matter, in Central Texas it doesn't get cold enough to make a difference so long as the wind is blocked.

on a side-note, had a friend who bought property just outside of Austin & built his house around a big rock on the side of a hill. it's a two story job with solar panels & the like. anyway, the house is super cool because the rock IS one wall of the house, the facing wall is mostly windows, & the rock protrudes a bit above the structure at the top of the hill- it's truly awing to see a residence with this massive rock in & out of it. there is no proper heat or cooling- the wall of windows is placed to recieve the full winter sun & heat the rock, which can hold & radiate heat for hours, thereby heating both stories of the home. there's a fireplace too, but the fireplace ended up looking hotter than it is. in the summer the rock is shaded from the sun by the house and cooled by the deep earth it rests in. windows are set up to provide cross-ventilation as needed. gotta say, it's wicked cool. wish I had pictures to post here...

the remaining pictures are a pretty Live Oak & pond where the wedding took place, and the bed & breakfast I stayed in. loved my housemates, loved them. might not see them for years to come but guarantee when we meet again it will be like we haven't missed a beat.

my pictures really don't do the landscape justice- I don't think it's possible to capture the beauty of spring time with anything but your senses: all the smell & sound & color is visceral, intangible.

catching up & some small things I've never shared

2007-04-20T02:00:00.000-04:00

today was my first full day back in NYC & I'm up too late. I'd like to blame it on the time change or anything but myself but that wouldn't be true. I'm a night owl by nature, it takes a lot of will to get in bed by midnight. of course, I still sorta defer responsibility- I believe this late habit was aquired while looking for peace & quiet during my hectic upbringing.

after everyone slept I could color, draw, write, read, watch tv, and enjoy the moon, stars, & bugs without the often negative & unwelcome input freely offered by those around me. I craved for things to just be okay, relished the absence of humans & their judgemental, selfish attitudes- the scars they left with words, noise, & generally useless verbal clutter was painful to me. silence & solitude equalled security & peace. I would sleep till someone got worried or angry about my lazy ways and pointedly roused me from my dreams. when awoken I was a real hellion- sleep continued my happy world of no people and then: my sleepy bubble was interrupted by, well: nosey people. I would damn them loudly, it was just about the only time I piped up.

except in 4th or 5th grade, I burst out crying in the middle of Mrs. Rundell's class, I just couldn't take the folks around me anymore. I got sent to the principal's office. I just sat there, knowing they couldn't know, listening to the chatter of the office, the ladies & their silly work banter: "she's always alone, doesn't care for anyone, of course she's trouble." then everyone got excessively loud, hushing each other so they could hear the take-off of a space shuttle on the radio. (maybe a tv, I couldn't & didn't need to see it.) I loved the news, it was & still is an outlet to a world beyond my own. I listened too- silently damning them in my head as if they were arousing me from a good sleep. BLAMMO! the space shuttle exploded! I knew it right off, didn't need to hear the newscaster's confirmation & the tragedy of the moment over-rode my own sad state. I high-tailed it down the hall & out to Mrs. Rundell's trailer classroom. when I burst in the door everyone turned to look at me- I will never forget the look of their blank faces as the shoddy door slapped against the stair-rail & I opened my mouth to loudly proclaim: "the shuttle's exploded; they're all dead!" Mrs. Rundell, a frustrated but patient & compassionate woman, ran from her chalkboard to silence me. I think she wanted to clap her hand on my mouth but coudn't bring herself to do it. my words horrified her but she must have known I wouldn't lie. the kids in the room next to ours heard too & their teacher popped through the common door, exasperated and wan-looking. I jabbered on, insisting my words were true as both teachers pleaded for my silence. I shut-up. they sent a kid to the main building who maybe just didn't like the task at hand or was too slow- regardless, before that kid (I can't remember who got sent) returned the loud-speaker crackled & confirmed my words. it was a terrible vindication.

anyway, I've mostly got a handle on the grumpy thing now- I make sure I'm happy with myself, getting good sleep, waking up around people I'm happy to see, or alone. I'd like to wake up next to some-one most days; some-one sweet, curious about the world & happy to have another day of exploration.

the picture here isn't great but the light was pretty, I'd just re-arranged my room, was testing a camera lens, dorking out, and enjoying the quiet around me.

I'm back & I'm...

2007-04-19T02:20:00.000-04:00

tired. holy shit, didn't know so much could be done in 6 days. been reading/ hearing a lot about these unfortunate women who got called nappy headed ho's. wtf? who freakin' cares? maybe they are, maybe they aren't- one thing's for sure now- all involved are infinately more famous which equals opportunity. how bad can that be?

homeward bound

2007-04-12T01:09:00.000-04:00

nice evening putting things away just right and preparing for a trip home tomorrow. won't be gone long; just enough time to kiss new babies, cry happy tears for a beautiful bride, frolick in native grasses dotted with sweet wildflowers, and enjoy a greasy spoon or two.

wish there was more down time. this is it for me till Paris- had a fruitful meeting today, looks like I'll be releasing a building when I return & another just after. amazing really- as I take flight for Texas my immeadiate future & career is taking off as well. my teammates are finalizing everything during my absence & for the first time in years I have absolute confidence that my co-workers will perform as well as I or better. I wouldn't leave this in anyone else's hands & I'm enjoying the confidence of knowing that all will be done the absolute best that can be. it's a very very good feeling, enough said.

heard Kurt Vonnegut died. kinda sad I supposse. such an interesting character, the world needs more of those. I'm on the fence about his writing but understand he did a loose biography; I'll have to check it out. right now I'm reading a book about building your own business & also about to start a biography on Diane Arbus, the heiress/ photographer. I'm very inspired by the wacky people who have been brave enough to chase their dreams- not enough people do- I wanna be one that does, even if it I fail at least I will have tested my own limits. what else is there to do while living? I'd certainly like to be remembered fondly when I die but what good will that do?

"Life is a banquet & most poor suckers are starving."

sanity

2007-04-10T01:57:00.000-04:00

so, no more AdC, my last night was tonight. I don't feel the weight lifted just yet but it will. I think I feel hints of it- like I'm on the brink of a funny free feeling but afraid to really squeal with joy just yet. perhaps tomorrow it will sink in. I only told a couple people & the management. don't know know why, just wanted to fade out & ease into what's next I suppose. I wonder if I'll ever have to wait tables again. sure hope not. my last after work walk through the city was nice & I'm looking forward to washing this food grime off my face. maybe then I'll feel more done.

40 days done

2007-04-09T10:30:00.000-04:00

my self-imposed sentence of 40 days no booze is over & I drank & it was just okay. gotta say, the good glass of wine at home was nice, the one I had with dinner was icky & the one later at the bar was just okay. when I was sitting around the house with buddies I really enjoyed the buzz; but when out, standing around it was laborious- I didn't really care about talking to anyone or making the effort to meet anyone. I also found myself a bit uncomfortable & distracted thinking about the walk home, wasted dollars, hang-overs, etc. guess what I'm saying is looks like I won't be back to my old tricks. that's a good thing.

did run into a guy I met on my first night of sobriety. funny to not see him again until my first night of drinking again. didn't really think much about it when he invited my friends & I to join him for one last drink. I'm pretty friendly & a girl in the group who met him with me 40 days prior expressed interest in him at that time. we accepted the invite & I tolerated standing around painfully chatting & thinking I was helping my girl hook up- NOT! we finished & were about to leave when the guy asked me out. I was floored. I haven't been asked out by a guy in I don't know how long; months at least. not to mention that he's shorter than me, jewish, hairy, named after an aromatic weed or horse color,and my friend is interested in him! all things that are big no-nos. I musta made some crazy face cause he immeadiately kinda apologized & casually moved on. we left. my friends ridiculed me & said I should go out with him, (including the one who was interested prior!), cause I haven't been out with any man in so long. "besides," they said, "he seems like a really nice guy & maybe you might like him after all." huh. quite honestly, the thought of actually liking someone or actually dating hadn't crossed my mind for some time. guess it's getting close to time to start thinking about that a little. for now I'm pretty damned happy with just me.

btw, brunch with all the girls & one lucky Joe was great. I called out to work at AdC, went to Dumbo with SK & Kat where I took pics, shopped (bought a book), and had yummy hot cocoa. later it was back to Greenpoint for arts & crafts & Williamsburg Korean for dinner & drinks. pretty awesome day, I walked home & am not hung over.

peace.

time to kill

2007-04-07T14:57:00.000-04:00

so, here I am, done with work for the day & trying to burn some time before going to get a brazilian. I'm also killing the last few hours remaining until I can enjoy my first sip of fine wine in 40 days. can't believe so much time has elapsed! at the beginning it seemed to long & daunting- now that it's done I wonder where it went! Life is short.

I'm scheduled to work one of two remaining shifts at AdC tomorrow. I tried diligently to get the shift covered but couldn't. I'd really like to call out so I'm free to celebrate Easter with friends and booze but am also kinda feeling like that would be selfish and bratty. what to do? Work the shift and wait till Tuesday to drink? Call out? They will surely be cutting a staff member anyway... hmmm.

cherry poop

2007-04-03T10:46:00.000-04:00

gotta love the orthodox jews: they're stubborn, a little odd, and a touch sneaky but they have sooooo many holidays. that means I get holidays too! real estate has come to a grinding halt due to passover & I don't mind taking a break at all. means I might actaully wrap up some projects around the house before my journey to Texas. sweet! on a side note, I'm loving my job, never though I'd say that about sales.

so, the other night at a friend's place we did the pepsi/coke test. the silly blind with three samples of the cola- two of one brand, one of the other & you taste them to see if you can discern the difference. my buddies were a little tooted when this genius idea struck them again (apparently they'd done it a few days prior too) and they were talking all sorts of nonsense about how tough it is. I, of course, told them it can't possibly be that hard. someone ran to the store having to prove the point & tasting commenced- everyone failed except yours truly. all present were wowed my by connoisseurship of soda & sensitive palate. must say, felt pretty good knowing I'm able to enjoy more subtle flavors in food & drink despite killing my taste buds with the occaisional smoke, lucky me.

last night it was painfully slow at AdC & I found myself challenging co-workers to said test. someone ran out to get the pop & again tasting ensued. every single person save the inebriated barista passed. hmmm. took the wind right outta my sails- turns out I'm not blessed with great tastebuds, I just wasn't fucked up. guess it's true that when trying to get the most out of a really great meal you should pass on the really great wine that goes with. bummer.

Which brings me to the title subject of this post. during our taste-test at the service bar I was standing next to the beverage garnishes; my over-time working brain recalled that it once heard when swallowed, a maraschino cherry will exit in the same state it was ingested. interesting. my big mouth shared this info with all & my buddy Angela & I decided this too needed testing. we both swalled one cherry whole but decided that they were too mushy cause they went down so easily. we each carefully selected another based on size, shape, and firmness- down they went. (just as easily too- maybe it's a girl thing to open up the throat & swallow.) at first it didn't seem like a big deal but after cherry two we didn't feel so good. I swear, we could fell them knocking together at the top of our stomachs. Ange & I both rubbed our solar plexus for the rest of the night fruitlessly trying to ease the discomfort. so anyway, I'm an AM pooper & despite the fact that I can stll feel the spot where two freakin' cherries partied in my gut all last night, I forgot to look this morning! maybe I had cherry poop, maybe I didn't- one thing is for sure, I'm not doing it again. sure hope Angela is on it.